Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I struggle to find the right words. I struggle to organize my thoughts. I struggle to decide the next course of action. I struggle with my conscience. I struggle with judging others. I struggle with being softer, kinder. I struggle trying to be more feminine. I struggle with trying not to use my outdoor voice inside. I struggle with my temper.
I struggle with a lot. It almost seems like my entire life is a struggle. But I look at the other side and it doesn’t seem so bad.
I don’t struggle with thinking things through so I can use the right words to say what I want to say, when I need to say. I don’t struggle with sitting down before starting a task to prioritize. I don’t struggle with worrying about if I’m going to make a mistake with my next step. I don’t struggle with asking myself the hard questions to understand what my true intentions were. And if they were less than genuine, I don’t struggle with seeking the answers and understanding why. I don’t struggle with asking myself why I thought about someone in a less favorable way, what grudge I’m holding, if any. I don’t struggle with compassion at the right time, in the right space. I don’t struggle with allowing myself to be approachable and vulnerable when speaking with someone that needs softness and kindness. I don’t struggle with accepting I’m a woman in all my emotional, dynamic, stubborn glory. I don’t struggle with letting the world know my excitement and happiness when I feel it. I don’t struggle with owning up to my anger and rectifying a situation if I messed up.
Going further, I realized, I don’t struggle with other things. Like:
Rolling with the punches, laughing at everything, getting others to laugh (not because I’m funny but because… I don’t know actually hahah), making people feel comfortable, being grateful for everything, living in the moment, saying Yes to new things, saying No and not feeling bad, managing my time (usually haha), connecting with strangers, taking something good from each experience, doing things that make me feel uncomfortable for things that are good for me, listening, being active, never being bored, being teachable, adapting to new people/places/experiences, being super easily amused and excited, enjoying every meal, sticking my head out the window (when I’m not driving), encouraging others, talking about things that matter to me, making awkward situations not awkward, providing perspective, being decisive (I have my moments…), knowing what I want, writing what I feel and think, not caring what others think but caring when it matters.
I know I know, I totally sound like I’m tooting my own horn. Because I am. Or I’m just calling it out as I see it. Because I started this post feeling a little lost. I started it with a full assessment of how I feel like I suck at life sometimes. But when I came back to it later today, I understood I am much more than that.
Over the past year or so, especially after my trip to Korea, I really learned the power of self-perception. I learned it wasn’t something that just is, unless you let it. I learned that it’s something I have control over, something I choose daily. The point is not that I think I’m amazing (even though I really am hahaha jkjk). The point is that I choose to see, believe, embrace, and love every part of me. It’s not to reject the “bad” parts, but to know that they’re part of my whole. That there’s another side to everything, if I choose to acknowledge it.
After many years of choosing to live in the darker dimension of me, I decided to take control of what’s already mine. I simply choose what I believe in and capitalize on. It’s what I allow to occupy my brain, heart, and soul space. It’s what drives and compels me to maximize each day, each moment.
Doing this for myself allows me to do this for others. Doing this gives me the heart to give many benefits of the doubt, to believe in greatness within every human being, to speak to others at the level they inherently desire and deserve to be spoken to, to love freely and openly.
It makes me happy, free, excited, hopeful, and fearless. It doesn’t make me perfect-perfect. It makes me imperfect-perfect. And that is what I think is truly Perfect.