It’s 1:39am, approximately 3 hours past my bedtime.
I was almost horizontal on my bed when I realized… the 100 day challenge.
I am convicted. I cannot fail this thing. I’ve already missed one day.
So here I am, sitting on the floor, my back on my bed, legs stretched out in front of me.
I am unbelievably lucky. I live an amazing life. I know amazing people. I have amazing things. I am an amazing person. Bahahaha. That last one sounds kooky, huh?
It’s okay. It kind of is.
I never knew the value of realizing that until… probably a year ago.
I learned that there is nothing more fulfilling and perfect in life than enjoying the person I am.
I not only love myself, I like myself. I not only like myself, I love myself.
Love and like, similar but not same.
I first learned to love myself.
Then, over the years as I got to understand myself, I began to like myself.
It meant I enjoyed doing nothing by myself. I enjoyed being alone. I enjoyed being me. It meant I was my friend, my biggest ally and fan. It doesn’t matter how that sounds. Because the sense of being self-sufficient is the closest thing I can feel of God.
Being 200% okay with myself, loving and liking the skin I’m in, the heart that beats, the soul I am is the culmination of my relationship with God. Because he is here. He is in me. We have no beginning and end. Know what I mean?
They say intuition is God speaking to us. Intuition as I knew it back then was the gut feeling. But now I do think it’s God speaking – from within. Now I do think it’s him teaching me to remember who I am, remember how he created me, how I was created.
And it’s not just God, it’s the universe. God is the universe, the universe is God. Perhaps that sounds blasphemous. Blasphemous against who? Against whose God?
I just know that the unconditional love I’d been taught growing up in church is true, real, and good. That’s it. I know because I believe I am loved that way. I’m loved with no bounds and no agenda. And that allows me to love me. And then to like me.
And that makes life fun. That makes life a joy, a gift, a purpose within itself. I don’t need anything else to leave this planet satisfied.
I tell God/universe every day – I could die today and I would be so happy.
No, I’m not suicidal. The exact opposite. I am in love with this life, absolutely moved by all of its goodness, surprises, gifts. I am so in love with this life, I’m willing to let it go its way. And if that involves me leaving, then so be it. Whatever is my portion, I want and receive.
I’ve learned to love, enjoy, and be. Because this life is too damn amazing – every single bit of it. And I get to live it – every single bit of it.