28 with a ship – 14/100

I’m turning 28 in a couple weeks. Damn.

I’m turning 28 in a couple weeks. Damn again.

Hahaha. I had to say it twice.

People that are 40+ say I’m “so young!”

People that are <21 say I’m “so old!”

People between 21 and 39 don’t say much about it.

I’m honestly not sure how I feel about this. It’s just another year and it’s another year.

When I say Damn, I can’t tell if it’s a Damn that’s tight or a Damn whaaaat.

I feel like I have so much I want to do. And as I near the end of what’s supposed to be my prime, I’m conflicted. Because I feel like my journey thus far has been so freaking perfect. Seriously.

Simultaneously, I feel like I haven’t done everything I could have.

It’s a weird weird paradox. I’m grateful but wistful. Pensive but excited.

It’s definitely humbling. I have everything in me to go after everything. I know I do. I believe it, like I believe for everyone else. But I know I haven’t shown that in all of its entirety. I know I’ve held back here and there, procrastinated a bit, thought a nanosecond too long about things.

I think, more than anything, I feel super human. No, not superhuman. I feel super human. Hahaha.

In the current of hours flowing into days, days into months, months into years, and in the process of watching years turning into decades, I feel closer to earth and my heart, and more at home than ever before.

Even with the thought that I might be “missing” something, even more fundamental than the possibility that I need to be doing “more”, even then, my everything knows I am living a perfect life, filled with good people, great experiences, and oceans of peace. I am humbled that in the end, this is what it boils down to, no matter what I’m struggling with.

And even more, there’s a part of me that goes – Struggle? What struggle? Life is a freaking party and I’ve just arrived – Hahahaha.

This is my life, my friend. So much paradox.

I love it. I freaking love it. Teehee.

I love that I have a story to tell. And I have still more story to tell… and even more, I have more story to write. Perhaps I realized it late in my life, but I realize now that life isn’t a crap shoot. In certain aspects, it is – genetics, environment, upbringing, etc. But in a much greater and profound way, it’s not.

Initially, it was the most daunting thing, to realize that because it meant I had a responsibility for my destiny and path. It meant that my desires and decisions actually make a difference.

But as I got more familiar with it, I realized it was the greatest gift, to know that I am not a substance meant to toss and sway with the current wherever which way it goes. I am not the culmination of those things I couldn’t help.

I lived in that helplessness until about a year ago. I would ask God to open doors, to show me what I need to do, where I need to go. And I would sit in the silence waiting for clue on how to live this life.

Somehow, sometime in Korea last year, I realized he had given me a damn ship and I was sitting in harbor, anchored, waiting for direction. I realized I had oars to muscle through, sails to fill with the right winds, and a rudder to steer with. All of a sudden, I felt like a dumbass.

I felt like a dumbass but I also felt empowered and ruthless, in a way of pursuing what’s rightfully mine. I was an empowered and ruthless dumbass. Hahaha.

I’m turning 28 in a couple weeks. Damn.

That sounds good. Not a moment sooner, not a moment late. I feel more ready than when I started this post, for some reason haha. It’s such a freaking journey, no short cuts, no hacks, no excuses. Just massive kickassery in the form of acceptance, integrity, fearlessness, movement, and peace.

Happy Saturday.

Posted by

Walking my journey, evolving endlessly into the Me I came to Be.

I wanna know what you think