I sat in the dining area going through my morning routine. I was in the middle of reading my current book, The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra (so good), when my dad emerged from his room.
He came up to the dining table and we started talking… I felt obligated in a way to talk with him because I rarely see him and I wanted to update him on where I am with everything. I’ve learned long since that one easy way to avoid conflict and assumptions and misunderstandings, especially with my parents, is by being transparent, patient, and detailed.
Then a long conversation ensued and we discussed the website we’re (aka I’m) working on and what I’m working on for myself. We went on and the whole time, in the back of my mind, I watched the clock. I thought about the time that’s passing, time that I had scheduled and planned out last night.
I was conflicted because I’m all about people and interactions and opportunities to connect. But there was a newer part of me that was becoming more deliberate about how I spend my day.
More often than not, if someone came up to me, whether family, friends, or strangers, I would be more than happy to start a conversation and chat. I would be more than happy to put aside what I’m working on to get into the opportunity of connecting with someone.
But it’s a little different now. I realize if I did that unconditionally, I would get nowhere really quick. I would watch my carefully planned out schedule dissolve as the conversation devoured time.
And on a different level, I realized that by my going with the flow, with whatever and whoever came up to me in that moment, I was also negating my intentions, diminishing my will, and compromising myself. Basically, I’m lying to myself.
Maybe that’s a little drastic, a little exaggerated. Maybe not. Because last night when I was planning my day, I was determined that this was how my day should be spent. I thought about the hours, what I wanted to get done, even how long it would take to get to the gym, being as realistic as I can without turning OCD.
And then, something or someone comes up. And while I’m in the conversation, I am so painfully aware that I’m lying to myself. I’m lying about my intentions, telling the universe that it doesn’t matter what I deliberated. That I’m not serious about executing, that I’m okay even if I let go of what I had declared was important to me. That I can only go with the flow of the people and events that happen to me, rather than owning my circumstances.
Essentially, I’m declaring I’m at the mercy of anything outside of me… and that itself is a lie. Because I was not created to be a product. I was created to be creator.
It sounds really extreme, this whole lying to myself thing. But I don’t hate myself for it. I take it for what it is. It’s a process. I don’t have it all together. I don’t need to. I just need to keep moving.
And I take this lesson with a grain of salt, because I can’t control everything. And I don’t intend to. I understand things happen way outside of my sphere of control. I let it. There are moments to adhere and moments to let go. Wisdom is knowing which moment is which.