On feeling useless – 28/100

All day today and as I get ready to go out tonight, a nagging thought lingers in the back of my mind.

My girls took me to go hiking near the beach, which was just a good time as always. Then we swung by Irvine Spectrum to buy a top for tonight, which was not frustrating as I usually anticipate shopping to be. We ate, talked, and laughed. The way back home, we bumped the music and danced. Good times.

I was excited for tonight, just to go out and enjoy and know that I’m celebrating myself doing the things I love most, seeing my people and dancing.

Yet, a nagging thought lingers in the back of my mind.

It’s the thought that I don’t deserve to go out, I don’t deserve to spend money, I don’t deserve to enjoy myself. Because I’m not employed.

I feel the guilt of not having a job, though I do freelance work and help my dad with his website (albeit begrudgingly nowadays haha). I feel like I’m not working hard enough to figure my shit out. I feel like I’m squandering my time and energy, avoiding responsibility, shirking maturity.

I have a lot of choices to make and I’m not making them because I’m considering things too much. To be honest, I feel like I’m trying to do God’s job and sucking really hard at it haha. I feel like I’m trying to understand every facet of every nook and cranny of every possibility of every factor. And it’s hard. It’s more than hard, it’s paralyzing sometimes. Okay, that’s a little dramatic, I’ll admit hahah.

I feel like I don’t have firm ground to stand on, not having an income. I feel like I’m not providing for my family. Am I supposed to just jump into what I can at the moment? Or should I just let the process unfold? Or maybe it’s a combination of both.

I keep going each day with fresh perspective. I don’t go into it with hope – that’s too wishy washy. I go into it believing that I’m working toward something I believe in, I’m going in the direction that I see fit for myself not just at this time, but for a very long time, perhaps all my life.

I’m still trusting the part of me that led me to make the decision two and a half months ago. And that gives me peace. Because I don’t understand everything. But looking back on that time, I can see that so much has changed. I can see I’ve changed, my perspective has shifted, clarity has become a closer friend, and excitement for life has never stopped growing.

I am enlivened by all the encounters and experiences I have. I am amazed by how many awesome people I’m surrounded by. I love my life. Seriously. Even though I’m unemployed, even though I feel so useless and hopeless at times. I can’t help but take a moment and delve into the freedom and goodness and beauty of this life.

I know I’m not lazy, I know I’m not stupid. I know some things take time. Perhaps I’m not doing the most logical thing, perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places. I just continue to stay open and willing. And I continue to move in the direction I think is where I’m meant to go.

And I remember something a new friend told me:

Go the way of the river, the path of least resistance. Everything leads to the great wide ocean. Best get there enjoying the view and the ride than fighting the current with your face in the water.

So, with that, I end. I will enjoy tonight. I will let it be what it is. I will be grateful for my breath, for another year. I will be fully present with everyone and know I’m grandly loved.

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