Stream of consciousness about the ocean, being comfortable with me, and happiness – 29/100

I find my way to the beach anytime, every time. I don’t stay away because I feel like something happens to me when I come here.

I feel like I’ve come home. I feel centered, grounded, whole, and full. I don’t come with people because silence is necessary to hear, for the ocean to speak.

I sit in front of the water or walk along it and let the sounds engulf me, the vastness captivate me. I feel I can’t fail when I’m here. If I’ve listened to my heart and made my way here, and found what I was looking for – this immense peace – then I know my heart speaks truth. I know it knows what to do, where to go.

I just have to follow it. I just have to believe it.

Everyone tells me to be logical. I tell myself to be logical. But I know in my heart of hearts what I want. I know what makes sense. Maybe I won’t survive in this world. But at the same time, that’s nonsense. The universe knows. I know. There is a way.

Maybe I’m not doing enough? But I choose to think of this whole thing as a process. I declare that I live from abundance, an abundance of creativity, of hope, courage, love, fearlessness.

I do think I need to get more real with myself. I think I need more action. More execution. Sigh. Lol. I don’t know.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just someone who goes with the flow, –

I just think that’s bullshit lol. I was thinking that thought while looking out at the waters and that just sounds dumb lol. I’m a creator. I create my reality. I am someone who moves and does and shakes. I am someone that wants to make shit happen. I am someone who will not back down. I am doing it now. I don’t know everything but that was never guaranteed in the first place. It’s part of the game. And I want to play, I am a fair player.

I’m back home now, my backpack still sandy, my laptop open to my draft. I have half a mind to delete this and write an actual post. But then, what the hell is an actual post? Hahah.

I’m home alone – feels so good. I love the silence, the aloneness. I’m not sure why. I just know this feels more like home to me than even being home itself. Does that make sense?

I’ve never felt this comfortable with myself in my entire life. It’s something else. To know that I can exist as I am, with nothing around me and be entirely occupied and content. Damn. That’s a trip. I remember times when I felt alone when I was with people and craved companionship when I was alone. Those were hard times, never wanting what I had, never having what I wanted.

To me, that’s happiness – for the two to align, to become one. To be here is a miracle lol.

I feel like I’ve been all over the place. A part of me wonders if I should start over. A part of me is lazy to try to fill up another 500 words. So I’ll stick with it. Too tired to be afraid of being vulnerable.

What a sweet Sunday night.