This past weekend, a friend, Lauren, asked me a question that stopped me dead in my tracks.
Before I share what my friend asked, I’d like to give some context around the situation.
The question stemmed from an earlier conversation(s) in which I labelled what I was sharing as “woo-woo” and treated myself like I was “hyper-spiritual”. I downplayed the truth that I had come to adopt, embrace, and live out because I was afraid of owning it. I lived it, yet I denied it.
I was afraid of judgment, probing questions, dismissal.
And by succumbing to that fear, I lived behind closed doors. I lived behind curtains, peeking out, occasionally, and sneakily opening the door to let select human beings into the home that is my heart and soul.
I was careful about who I invited. And even when I entertained them based on my invitation, I was careful about which rooms they saw, entered, and explored. I had to have control because I had to manage the fear, the vulnerability.
I wanted to control how they saw it by minimizing what I really believed as something that I could easily dismiss myself.
Does any of this make sense?
I wanted so desperately to be. But I wouldn’t let myself fully.
The question Lauren asked knocked me off my feet because it went directly past the door, to the center of my being, and challenged me in the comfort of my own home.
What will it take to share my “woo-woo”ness?
That question faced me and I couldn’t turn away. Because I knew this was it. The way I addressed this question would determine how I would live. Maybe, out of my fear, I would answer it later. But it would be answered, nonetheless.
See, this question challenged my integrity. And if you know me at all – I am all. about. integrity. That is the only thing I have, in my opinion. I am what I am and that is all. I accepted that. I accept me for who I am.
But the question is – will I accept me for me outside of me? Will I embrace me for me in front of others? Naked and trembling, fearful and anxious?
Because this year, I decided that I want to free myself. I’ve determined what’s important, I’ve bought into who I am. I’ve purged and burned my old home, built a new one, furnished it with new beliefs, decorated it with new values, filled it with the air of freedom and comfort within myself.
I’ve sanctified each room, my emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental selves. I’ve lived in each one, becoming familiar with the layout, the way I designed it, the way things fell into place themselves. I’ve enjoyed creating the experience I want in each room, bringing in new things I want to be part of me, tossing things that no longer serve me.
This home is me. And I’m comfortable here. And yet… I know there’s more. Because a home isn’t meant just to be lived in – alone. And I’m not saying I want a housemate – oh God no. This home is for me, and me alone to live in.
But something’s missing. Because if you know me, you know – I love parties. I don’t always go out every chance and I’m not a crazy party girl, but I love people. I love engaging, connecting, laughing, sharing thoughts, ideas, experiences. I believe their experience is mine, my experience is theirs. The party is where people are at.
And what I really want, as I’m discovering now, is to throw the MF party of my life. Literally. I want to fling open the doors, throw back the curtains, open the windows, put on some music, and mail out my invitations. I want to share the comfort of my home, the peace, presence, and fullness of who I am with whoever wants to answer the invitation.
I want to stop hiding behind my idea of what I think people want, all the while knowing very well who I am. I want to be truly open, be truly available and present, for people to discover and examine things without me having to chaperone their every moment. To be able to accept that not everyone will appreciate what I value, not everyone will receive it the same way. To be able to free myself from having to explain everything, to downplay what I’m afraid to show, to purposefully show what I want them to see.
I want to open my home, my thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, purpose, passions and allow myself to simply be, be without having to entertain every human being that comes through. Because if I really am as comfortable as I say I am in who I am, then there’s no fear. Whatever is found, whatever is perceived, however I am received – is not up to me. My only part is to invite. It’s to open up and allows others to enjoy what I have, ultimately, who I am. That’s all. What they walk away with is their choice.
So – I know this post doesn’t open up what this whole “woo-woo”ness is all about – and that’s okay. I just feel like I’m able to answer the question.
What does it take?
It takes my willingness to open up, to mail out those invitations, to welcome those who answer, and let go. And I am willing. I want to be seen, I’m okay with being known. I want it, actually. It’s going to be lit.