You know that voice in your head? The one that says you didn’t do everything you could and should have done? The voice that says there’s not enough time? The one that asks if you really know what you’re doing? Causes you to second-guess yourself? Causes you to hesitate, fear, and worry? The one that tells you that you’re probably wrong, off the your course, and it’s going to be a long way before you finally, Finally get things right?
You know that voice?
I know that voice. It’s been so constant and close to me, I thought it was my friend. It was so consistent, so present – how could I not? The familiarity itself comforted me.
But I began to question the voice. Why did it never comfort me? Why did I never feel supported, appreciated, and respected? Why was familiarity the only good thing about it?
I’ve spent so much time with that voice, waking up to it, going through the motions of life with it running its mouth all day, going to bed with it.
Lately, I’ve been reevaluating our friendship. It hasn’t been very useful to me. And maybe it’s a mercenary way of looking at a relationship, maybe it’s a crazy thing to even consider it a relationship hahah since it’s a voice that exists only in my head…
Regardless, I’ve realized something – the mindset of that voice is based in judgment.
It’s always Always ALWAYS judging. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I’m not allowed to enjoy myself, I’m not allowed to enjoy the process, I’m not allowed to just be.
I’ve spent so much time cultivating my sense of self, my identity, that it’s much much better now. I’ve learned to listen within and find rest and I feel much freer.
But sometimes, I feel I’m still contending with
my this voice. I refuse to say I am the voice because I truly value myself as a human being and a soul and I would never want to treat any human being and any soul the way this voice treats me. So I will not identify myself as this voice. Instead, I consider it the ego, the conditioned mind, the constructed self.
And I don’t see the need to contend with it any longer. It’s not a worthy adversary. There is no winning with the voice. There is only surrendering to Truth. Pure refreshing life-giving truth that flows from within, that inspires, teaches, grows, compels, ignites.
The voice is weak, the voice is broken. I accept its place in my life, I appreciate its attempt to push me, grow me in its own way. But the results are pitiful, just as weak and broken as itself.
I have no more need, no more desire, no more room to allow this voice to chart my course, to determine what I do, who I am and become, where I go.
As children of the Most High and the very expression of the universe and its love, we have authority to release ourselves from every toxic relationship – including this one.
So, I acknowledge its presence and work in my life. I get that it did its best. It worked – to an extent. I needed it – back then. Today, I’m letting go. I choose freedom over fear, I choose impossibilities becoming possibilities, rather than the other way around. I choose rest over toil. I choose compassion over dogged chasing.
I’m good where I am. Let it be so.