Have you ever felt like you’ve been asked all your life to live someone else’s life?
Have you ever felt like the person you are is a stranger – to yourself? That the image staring back from the mirror couldn’t be further from who you are?
Have you ever felt at a loss of words thinking that this is your life? That you are where you are. You didn’t necessarily choose to arrive at this point. You didn’t necessarily want to be here.
But here you are. Here we are.
It’s a painful place to be. It’s excruciating, torturous, bleak, empty, lonely, hopeless.
At least it was for me. At least for me, I felt like I was dying every day haha. Super dramatic right? But it was because I felt it to this extent that I’ve come this far. It’s because I felt the pain and loneliness and emptiness to the fullest of all my being that I could no longer stand to be where I was. It’s because I felt all of me in that place that I seek and seek and seek and seek.
I reached a point when I could no longer look at myself and think that I deserved to be human. I wasn’t suicidal by any means and never seriously contemplated it. (For those who are concerned or want to throw Bible verses at me, I call bullshit that you never, not once, ever thought about suicide, even for the stupidest, the most trite thought, emotion, event, person.) I just felt that there had to be more, that I had to be meant for more. I just… was not alive. And I could bear it no longer.
This kind of unhappiness and emptiness couldn’t be learned. It was the essence of my heart and soul and being crying out. It was flailing arms, shooting flares, igniting all emergency protocol to get my attention.
It was the universe within, the God within nudging, pulling, pushing, pressing pressing pressing for the truth, for my truth… It was the realization – without my realizing – of the birth pains of something new.
I’m honestly scared as shit writing this. I don’t know why I feel so vulnerable in this moment. I’ve written about my journey so many times, shared thoughts and emotions that once existed and only existed intertwined within me.
But this – I guess this is really where it all began. It’s what happened, what it felt like.
This is me wondering… if there are others out there that felt the way I did back then. If there are others that knew that kind of torment, that kind of anguish, agony, and misery of simply existing.
This is me wondering from the place I am today if there are others, like me. Others that want more, seek more, crave more. Others that question everything and demand explanations. Others that want to blow up their belief systems for the sake of something real, true, and good.
I don’t know everything. I never claim to. And I love being proven wrong because I love expanding. The only thing I know is that I don’t know.
But if there’s one other thing I know, it’s this – for you who are searching, seeking, yearning… daring to believe and hope, you will find it. You will. You will know what your truth is, the way God / universe intends you to know. You will know where you stand in relation to him. You will know the depths of your desires. You will know that you are not alone.
I say this to myself just as much. Because sometimes I find myself lost at times, I find myself at a loss of words, weighing my truth against my lessons, balancing my internal and external realities on the tightrope of my sanity, my faith.
And I keep going. I keep going because I believe whoever seeks, finds.
I seek, I find.
I find, I learn.
I learn, I grow.
I grow, I expand.
I expand, I am more me.
I am more me, I know peace.
I know peace, I move fearlessly.
To move fearlessly in this life… is all I can ask for. To move from within, my strength, the power vested in me by God Almighty, the Universe is all I could ever ask for.
Thanks for reading.