I drove to Vegas today for the weekend. For most of the hot dry drive, I had the windows down and music blasting. I’m fairly certain my left arm and leg are considerably darker than my right. My hair has a fuzzy unkempt look and my eyes are tired from staring down the road.
I’m here for a weekend conference for entrepreneurs. I think that’s a lofty term for me – I don’t feel quite worthy of that title. I’m just tagging along, learning what I can, soaking up the wisdom and knowledge freely shared.
After getting situated in my Airbnb, which is more like a hostel, I went to the backyard and dunked my legs in the pool. The sky was dark and I could pick out a part of the Big Dipper (I think) as I leaned back on my hands, head tilted back.
I closed my eyes and breathed in the hot desert air. It didn’t feel like I was in Vegas. I can’t place where it feels like I am haha I guess it doesn’t matter. I just felt complete peace. Considering everything, I knew and know I’m in the right place. I feel it.
It doesn’t mean things are necessary lining up. It doesn’t mean I’m getting everything I want – not yet at least haha! It doesn’t mean things are looking pretty and rainbow-esque.
It just means – no it just feels like everything is right. I don’t know what’s right. I don’t know what’s the best way. I just keep going. I take what I have and I go. I just go. I feel the fear – I taste and smell it. And I go. I feel the doubt – and I go.
Interestingly, after all this going, I feel a sense of freedom. Freedom from the fear, freedom from the doubt. I feel like… almost abruptly I know what I’m doing. I know what to do.
It’s like after being told again and again by the universe to keep walking despite fear and doubt; after all the struggling and warring within to understand up and down, right and left; after all the wondering and pondering and contemplating and weighing; after all of me wanting so bad to believe the goodness and love of God / universe in new ways…
after all that – I feel like I’m learning to settle in it. I’m learning to breathe it, whereas before, I gazed on it from behind a fence and glass display window. I feel like it’s come alive and entered my sphere, my space, my world. It’s no longer words on a page, images on a screen, ideas that I encounter.
It’s part of every breath, thought, and moment. It’s part of my person, every cell, every molecule. It exists within and there is no line separating me and truth.
I breathe deep and close my eyes, legs still in the pool. In this moment, it feels like air exists to surround me, like I’m feeling for the first time the space I occupy in this world, in this body.
It feels good. It feels right. I feel this is the way Life is, not even the way it should be. We should feel this way all the time. But Life is this way all. the. time.
It is, without being pulled and pushed any way, in all its fullness, richness, and perfection. It simply is. And I get to live it. I get to breathe it. I get to embody it because I choose to. I fight for this. I fight for this every damn day. I go to war against my mind and thoughts that glorify logic and material evidence. And when I reach moments like this – it all falls into place.
This is where I belong. This is where you and I belong. Here. Right now. Just breathing in, and breathing out. Aware of ourselves, aware of the world, aware of the divine. Aside all religion and labels and man-made constructs, this is bliss. Heaven on earth.