Stream of consciousness – 74/100

sky and ocean
Photo by Joseph Barrientos on Unsplash

Day Two of Amplify Conference

I’m back in the hostel/Airbnb. Today ended pretty late, around 10ish. I am tired. But I don’t want to be. Because I’m not supposed to be tired. I’m not supposed to be anything negative, right? Because whatever I put into the world, I get back, right?

So that means I’m just going to be more tired. That means I’m going to get more and more evidence of me being tired, right?

So no, I’m not tired. I can’t be tired. I can’t be real.

Sigh, even typing that alone is tiring.

I have a lot of questions. I have a lot of questions about whether I’m right or wrong. Whether I’m doing it the right way. But I struggle because… I KNOW there is no right way. The wrong way is to think there is a right or wrong way. Lol.

And yet, here I am. Here I am…

Always wondering. Always thinking. Always always always.

My heart. My heart hurts. My thoughts weigh it down. My words sag.

Brain movements. They just don’t vibe with the heart movements. And all I want to do is vibe free. Vibe freely. Vibe, just vibe. Just be the vibe. Just know the vibe. Just… breathe the vibe.

All I want – is everything I need. All I need – is here.

Here here here. Where is here. What is here.

Hahaa so existential. I think that’s what existential means. Haha!!

Weirdly, interestingly, hope-givingly – I know this feeling. I know the feeling of knowing before the Knowing. The tightness, the twisted-ness before the catharsis, before the metamorphasis, the unfolding.

It always… it always is such a deeply inward process. Of course – it’s the unfolding of a lifetime, the past, the present, the future, all at once, right here, right now.

It’s the culmination of the universe. As consciousness expands, all my being explodes in slow motion. I know no direction, there is no other way.

Even though I can say I’ve worked so hard to get here. I know that’s a half-truth. Because it was the easiest thing in the world to be here. It was the easiest thing in the world to be me. Even when I didn’t feel like I was me. Even when I didn’t know myself truly. Even when I felt lost, when I hated myself, when I began picking up my pieces.

And still – even in this moment of knowing and not knowing, of being tired and not letting myself admit my tiredness, of trying hard to let go of the “right” way and inherently validating the existence of a “right” way, of everything going on – it’s the easiest thing in the world to be here. To still be me.

In this place, I’m home. That means I get to be tired. I get to and I’m welcome to. I get to be home. Just… be home. In my tiredness. In my sense of pushing and straining and yearning.

Because I sort of believe that things go the way they’re supposed to. I sort of believe that no matter what, all is well. No matter what, I am well.

And in that wellness – things unfold. Freely, beautifully, wonderfully, completely.

So, I’ll let myself breathe. Inhale peace, exhale judgment. Inhale freedom, exhale “supposed to’s”. Inhale goodness, exhale… goodness. What enters me circulates. Just churn it out, Grace. Just keep going. Your only responsibility is this breath. Not the next. Not the prior. Not next year’s. Not the next decade’s. Not your lifetime’s worth.

Just this one.

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