Mellowly – 75/100

blog draft

This is what I opened my laptop to today.

A blog draft with no title and one word. Not even a noun. An article. The.

Inspiration is not elusive. I am.

I have lotsa stuff going on and I don’t feel quite ready to talk about it. There are things I’ve been skirting around. Not always consciously, but definitely been skirting.

Skirting and flirting haha.

And I will let myself skirt as long as I want. Because I know myself just a little bit. Enough to know that I prefer truth over safety. I prefer jumping over clinging, daring over pretending, dancing over sitting.

Whoever is reading this, I thank you. So deeply, so truly. I thank you for being part of my journey.

I have completely not completed my 100 day challenge, although I still mention the blog # in the title haha. I’m pretty sure 100 days has since passed.

But I’m here. I’m alive, ever so alive. More today than yesterday. And the forecast is looking good, folks. More tomorrow than today.

I just keep existing. Well, more than existing. But I feel like I do the fundamental being aliveness pretty well. I’m well acquainted with the craziness of each breath of every moment, with the beauty of every ray of sunshine, the deep rest to my blood cells as I go to sleep.

I love where I am. A complete paradox, a counterintuitive and seemingly counterproductive place of being.

Nothing makes sense, yet everything makes sense. And as I let go more and more each day, more and more make sense.

The mind is such a tool. If I ever want to worry, ever want to fear and doubt, I can always go to my mind. The mind is always telling me logic is my friend, that magic is not.

The mind is always telling me to calm down, to think straight, to get “real”. And when I do, all I see are walls around me. I see false security, false hope, false everything. Okay, maybe not everything. It does get shit done for me.

But to live a truly heart-centered, soul-connected life, the mind is the last place I go to.

I understand. I get it.

There’s so much more, beyond everything I’ve ever been taught, anything I’ve ever felt with my senses. Beyond religion, beyond sense, beyond thought.

I sometimes want to say, I don’t know how to go from here. But I know. I’ve always known what to do. I just had to listen within. I just had to shut the hell up and let the unseen, the deep, even the illogical, parts of me be. I just had to be still.

All the answers are here. They have always been. I’m not the first to know this. And I’m going to make sure I’m not the last in my sphere to know this. Ha – as if I have a choice in that. More and more are coming to the same conclusion, seeking truth, goodness, love, and peace.

And I can no longer deny, can no longer run, can no longer hide.

I know this whole freaking post has been nothing but vague. But like I said, it’s not that I don’t know. It’s that I’m running. I’m still running.

It usually takes time for me to accept myself. I always take the longest to do that for me. I always lag in acknowledging myself. I always talk the most shit on me. And truth is so good that it lets me. And I run my mouth all the way out, until there’s nothing left but the truth. Until all I can do is be. And let be.

So, I will do that. That’s never disappointed. Never failed me. Surrendering never does. Isn’t that the story of life? To let go? To be free of everything, of our minds, of our judgments, of others’ judgments (which are really ours lol)?

I surrender. As always, I can only surrender. I have no idea what awaits. I have no idea all that’s within. It’s the mystery and freaking joy of life, this crazy amazing life.

Thanks for reading this longass stream of thought. Feeling extremely mellow lol in the midst of so many things to do, to fulfill, to learn. I’m off to get some shit done mellowly hahah!

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