I checked off bungee jumping on my bucket list this past Saturday.
Waiting in line, watching the others jump, scream, drop off the platform, was surprisingly not nerve-wracking.
I remember a time when I would have been nervously swallowing what little spit I would have in my dry mouth, trying to keep cool, trying to skirt around the image of me splattered on the ground. I remember when all I could think about was all the ways the bungee cords might fail me, how they could strangle me.
I remember a time when, for me, the greatest and only reality was failure and not being enough. It was I could see, all I could envision for myself. No – I did sometimes envision myself doing something great, accomplishing a goal – and then assign that to the “impossible” and “not-for-me” category.
But this time, on my bungee conquest, it was different. I know it. I felt it.
I do feel that things have been shifting in the past couple months, and even more in the past couple weeks. It’s been realization after realization that where my attention goes, energy flows. Yes, that rhymed. It’s because I picked it up from somewhere haha I can’t remember where.
It seems to be a theme, lately.
Where my attention goes, my energy flows.
I think the fundamental thought that drove me is What do I want to see for myself?
That simplified things a lot. Did I want to see myself falter, slip, be awkward, doubt, hesitate, etc.?
Then what did I want?
I wanted to move unfettered by doubt. It wasn’t that I wanted NO fear. I wanted to move freely in the face of my fear. I wanted to give it all I have because in the end, the only thing I would lose is the moment I succumbed to my small thinking and limitations.
So as I stood in line waiting my turn, harness and helmet tightened, I closed my eyes and asked myself, How do I want to see myself jump?
I let myself imagine the best possibility.
And that was literally for me to fly. I said to myself, I want to fly.
It didn’t matter that that was impossible haha. I just knew, that I would give it my all as if that was the only possibility. That if this was the last activity I ever participated in on this planet, I would want to be remembered for a jump that reached for the greatest height, not a trembling drop that tried to mitigate the fear of the distance between the platform and the worst thing that could happen.
That was a satisfying answer to me. I immersed myself in what I thought it would feel like to fly through the air, gliding and soaring until the bungee cords did their job – hopefully haha!
My turn finally came and as I climb over the side of the bridge, I felt certainty. There was no trembling, no deep pit in my stomach, no questions about whether this was a good idea, no doubts about my life decisions. I accepted my fate. This shit was happening. For real.
As I stood on the platform, there was nothing in me but a solid decision coursing through me, feeling the possibility of flying. All of my attention went there, and I could feel the energy flow in that direction. I knew I wouldn’t falter.
The two bungee guys counted down and, as cheesy as it sounds, I leaped into my vision of what I wanted the jump to look and feel like.
And I didn’t die. Surprise! My worst nightmare didn’t come true.
Instead of feeling like I escaped death, I felt like I had run into a different dimension, one where excitement for the possibilities of life drew me. I felt like the fear I had took a backseat and I was allowed to think, feel, want, and act in the direction that I truly wanted.
So all in all, this whole experience was more than a bucket list thing. It was a personal journey in itself. It was one of the most liberating moments I’ve experienced because through it, I watched myself supersede and unravel my greatest barrier to life up to this point: fear.
This is me right after the jump. My big smile was not because I survived. It was because I jumped with everything I had. It was the exhilaration and excitement pulling me, rather than the tragedy I barely escaped.
They asked me to hold out my hands to see if I was shaking, and it was, just a tad haha.