A couple days ago, I posted an Instagram about my family helping my mom make dumplings.
I received a couple comments about appreciating these moments as they are the memories that I’ll keep as the years go by and my mother is no longer with us. At first, I was taken aback and I felt misunderstood. I did appreciate the time we shared working together with my mom as the head chef. I think my caption made it seem like I was only tolerating my family but I was glad my mom had put this together – I know she really just wanted to spend time as a family. I mildly wanted to respond back explaining that I do actually love my mom and I didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t appreciate her.
But after getting past my initial indignation, I realized that as much as I had appreciated my mom, it hit me how big the capacity I have to miss her. Maybe I worded that weirdly. But basically, while writing in my journal, I realized that I will look back and miss her. I never really thought of it, I know I’m pretty stoic and emotionless sometimes but there was something that made me realize the truth and time will tell otherwise.
Maybe I didn’t want to think about it. My mom and I have an interesting past. In my mind, going to therapy (alone) saved my mom and my relationship. My friends can attest to the many arguments and breakdowns we’ve had – or that I’ve had regarding my mom. They know and I know that I’ve struggled so hard to truly love my mom and be a less shitty daughter. God knows.
But I couldn’t deny, writing in my journal, that when she is gone, I will be thinking of only the good and beautiful moments we shared. The ones where we laughed endlessly. The ones where she works so hard to feed the family and keep us healthy. The ones where she got her way and it ended up being amazing.
And in that remembering, I will only be glad to pass by the ones that are tinged with hurt and pain. I will only be glad to release those and hold onto the thoughts of her love and presence.
I know, looking back, I’ll begin to see the things I was so quick to skim over. I’ll begin to understand her intent. That she has and always will love us the best way she knows how, no matter how nagging or pervasive it seems. I’ll see that she always meant for the best for me. I’ll see that she had never meant to hurt me or anyone. I’ll see that her heart was always pure. And I know that my greatest gift is to be able to recognize that, receive it, and honor her for her motherhood.
The pain of our relationship becomes dull in comparison to the love she has for me. The love she says I won’t understand until I become a mother. When I heard that, I used to think, Well then, hell, why would I want a child if it’s to experience pain? But now, I think she wants me to know what it feels like to love so fully, so completely, so deeply, beyond even herself.
I used to blame her so much for not standing up for herself, for giving everything away, even to us. I hated the way I felt we always missed each other’s intentions, I judged her and vowed I would never be like her.
But now, I see.
I see that her love was and is so deep. I will never know the full extent of her love. Even when I have a child of my own, I won’t know what she had for us. I’ll get to experience an idea of it. Not to downplay my own love haha but just – at this point, all I can do is receive her heart, her life because she has surely poured out both for us, for me.
I am so deeply humbled writing this. I am actually crying right now. Hahah. And I rarely cry when I write. Okay, like never. And usually when I cry about my mom, it’s from a bitter encounter. This is nice change.
Grateful for posting that Instagram with that caption that probably got people to point out the value and lesson. Because it made me write in my journal and then transfer it here… and now, I need to go hug my mom. And give her a kiss. Because she’s freaking awesome and I get to love her before I miss her.