Today, I had a thought.
What if I died today? What would that be like? How would that change things?
It almost sounded inviting. It almost sounded like relief.
I could walk away from debt. I could walk away from the pressure to make something of my life. I could walk away from the financial burden of taking care of my parents. I could away from the fear of putting myself out there, getting chummy with vulnerability. I could walk away from the possibility of failure. I could walk away. So many things to walk away from.
It was an interesting thought. I was over the idea of it being morbid. It was detached from emotion. It was neither positive nor negative. It was a thought. And interesting one, I thought.
Death is insightful. I read somewhere it gives meaning to life. I agree. If you want to live differently, think about death. Every day. Every moment. Don’t think about how you’ll die because there are billion and four ways to die. And then we’ll get caught up in future happenings, things we cannot control and can cause worry.
Just think about the fact that we. are. all. dying. All of us. Some sooner than others. Some later than others.
But we are all heading to the grave.
It’s a beautiful thing.
To know that we are mortal. To remember that we are all the same, that we share this denominator.
It’s a strangely liberating thing. It frees us from the fear of living. If you think that’s not true, ask yourself why you aren’t happy. Ask yourself why you don’t pursue the things you truly want to. Why you don’t try that new hobby. Why you don’t date that sort of odd human being. Why you are afraid to share your work. Why you are afraid to explore your creativity.
The possibility of feeling alive, of potentially feeling like losing control, of walking on new ground… it scares the shit out of people. We are more afraid of living than we are afraid of death.
This is why when we come face to face with death, it’s our lives that pass in front of us – not death. Death just makes it real to us, the good that we’ve tasted and seen, the good that is possible for us.
That’s why death is an interesting thought. A life-giving notion.
It reminds us to live. It reminds us to breathe. To give thanks. Doesn’t matter to what god, to what higher power. It reminds us that maybe, just maybe we are part of a bigger picture, one that we’ve always wanted to experience and know… All we have to do is realize we are already part of it. If we would just choose to live.
So back to my thought today. What would it be like if I died today?
I would be walking away from so much. I would be walking away from the triumph of taking ownership of my financial situation. I would be walking away from the glory and success of creating something good, putting out my contribution into the world. I would be walking away from the opportunity to give to those who gave me life. I would be walking away from stepping into who I am, baring my soul to limitless freedom, opening myself up to integrity, creating space for others to do the same.
I would be walking away from the opportunity to experience life with a partner, someone I truly vibe with on all levels. From evolution of the highest order, the continuous rebirth of my consciousness, my being. From exploring the world, tasting, sensing, hearing, smelling every corner of the world that I can fit into my lifetime. From creating and living a life that aligns with what I believe, not just what’s expected of me.
I would walk away from so much.
And so I choose to stay here. Because there’s much worth staying for.
There are parts of this human life that I don’t know about yet, things I’ve yet to know in my bones and blood awaiting me.
And there’s the Here and Now, the fullness of each moment, the rise and fall of each breath.
Death, what a beautiful thing, giving breath and color to Life.
And no, I’m not suicidal lol.