New York was amazing. I went feeling that something about the trip would change me. And I left knowing that I was.
I can’t quite put a finger on what it is what was changed. But I feel fulfilled.
My therapist asked me if I felt like going to NYC was like experiencing life in Technicolor and then coming back to the OC was like going back to black and white.
My answer was that, in all things, once I know something, I can’t unknow it. My experience is not linear nor geographically limited. It’s not even about NYC itself that was amazing.
It was the essence of existing outside of the bubble I grew up in, living beyond the boundaries, both mental and geographical. It was realizing that the world is so big. And yet so accessible. It was understanding that life is closer to home than I thought and home is my heart, not a place.
I embraced everything and everyone I experienced during the two weeks. Someone else asked me how I felt about being in such a fast-paced environment. In short, I loved every part of it. I felt alive. I enjoyed the feeling of being anonymous.
I felt like it’s a place where one can come to find oneself simply because you realize really what it means to be alone. And in that space, you can create the person you want to be.
For me, I felt it was a space where I got to experience exactly who I was. I had wondered whether the Grace from the west coast is truly Grace. I thought maybe I would lose my mojo since I was in a completely new place. Or that I would feel tiny and lost. And I found, Grace is Grace.
I came back with a feeling that life is much bigger than I had known. That possibilities are real and closer than I had thought.
I would love to move out there, even for a few months. The biggest thing that holds me back is the cold haha! I would love to see what it’s like to live outside of everything I’ve known. In a way, to see who I am in a place where no one knows me. That makes it sound like I’m trying to be someone new or something haha. I think I just want to explore this crazy amazing world.
I think I’m also attracted to the idea of moving because this whole time I had thought and felt that coming out to NY was such a big jump. But it’s really not. It’s really just a plane ticket, two subway rides, and a desire away. It goes to show you how limited my thinking is sometimes haha.
I’m learning. It never ends. And it never has to. I just keep going. And as I go, everything breaks behind me. Or rather, it either breaks or remains a foundation for continuous evolution. I get to choose.