My last couple posts were sort of low, so low to the point I wondered if I’m being melodramatic. And I kind of do think I was. In the past day, I realized something.
I realized the way I told my high school story hasn’t changed… since high school.
And now, through the last two posts (perhaps the last time I tell my high school experience like that haha), I see that high school was an amazing time for me. I know, I sort of want to punch myself in the face for saying that after my last two posts haha!
Well, amazing in the sense of my overall journey. It did hurt, it was painful, lonely, dark, etc.
But I can see that it was such an integral part of my journey, the time I really experienced that my worth and value and aliveness doesn’t originate outside of me.
It was the birth pains of an awareness that has changed and continues to change my life.
And what a beautiful thing that is. What a beautiful revelation.
Underneath the darkness, emptiness, anger, high school was the breeding ground for deep questions only I knew the answer to, profound understandings only I would get to experience in my lifetime.
Perhaps high school was the rich soil within which the seed of a flower or tree rested. Not knowing there is sunlight above or that it was meant to thrive and grow and expand and produce among the clouds, air, rain, and other creations.
Perhaps high school was the rich soil in which the seed chilled, and when the time was right, it would begin to rise through the seemingly nothingness.
Perhaps it was the foundation in which roots could go deep, soaking up the good shit that helps the seed grow.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps.
As I mull over that thought, it sits right with me.
It feels right. It feels like it was always that way. And finally, my storytelling is catching up. Finally, my being is aligning with my doing.
Finally, I’m not fighting anything. I’m not pushing through walls. I’m not pulling, struggling, trying to make sense.
I’m sitting my ass down here on my side and doing the damn thing. Damn thing as in, Me. I’m doing Me. I’ve been doing Me, all this time. High school included.
What a thought. New story, same Grace.