Last night, after catching up with a friend, I rushed home wanting to crawl into bed. That usually doesn’t happen, but it does, so I thought nothing of it.
I went home, rinsed off in the shower, threw on my PJ’s, and dove into bed.
Only to get up five minutes later to throw up.
And again, fifteen minutes after.
This continued about five more times, until there was nothing in my belly except breakfast that morning. My stomach felt twisted and angry.
I got the fever chills, and my entire body ached through the night.
Though I was in bed, I didn’t feel like I was fully resting.
At some point in the night, I did an old school Korean remedy for indigestion, drawing blood from my thumbs (it’s not as bad as it sounds lol).
I woke up this morning feeling completely emptied and weak. I could barely put down two spoonfuls of rice porridge, party because I really hate porridge and partly because I felt shitty.
When I went back to bed, I lay there, feeling a tad better than I’d felt all night.
I breathed deep. And I was grateful.
Grateful for health, for recovery, for people that care, for a bed to confide my sickness in, for the possibility for tomorrow, for knowing this wouldn’t last long.
To be very honest, I felt like this gave me a chance to be still. I felt like my mind had been running the show, and I felt bleak about certain things, like what the hell I’m doing with my life, how I’m going to get where I want to go, etc. You know, normal stuff haha.
But being completely incapacitated reminded me that I am nothing. In the most empowering way haha.
It reminded me that all Life is Grace.
Every breath, every moment, every thought, every feeling, everything.
In that space, I was allowed to remember my health, remember that I am surrounded by humans (and non-humans haha) that love and care for me.
I was allowed the space to revel in all that Life is.
Suddenly, I didn’t feel so shitty about myself. Or my life.
I was deeply humbled and exposed to what’s true.
Time is now 3:45pm and I’m still in my PJ’s and sweat. I’d like to get my ass out in the air and sun and enjoy myself and this day.