A guy once said he wouldn’t date me because I was too different, a little wild.
At the time, I was offended because I really really liked him – a lot. Like a lot lot.
I could not understand what he saw, why he didn’t see what I saw, or wanted to see. That we’d be a pretty cool match.
Years later, looking back, I shake my head at the hilarity of my naïveté and smile at the sovereignty of the universe. I also laugh.
I really did not understand what he meant by “too different, wild” part. I was going to church, serving in high school, going to school, living at home, you know, the normal Christian Korean-American Orange County stuff.
It’s taken me years to catch glimpses of what he must have picked up.
And it all makes lovely sense.
Dude knew what he was doing. He knew himself and he knew the situation. And I’m grateful.
If what I was back then was too different, wild – I can’t even begin to think what Present Grace looks like.
Present Grace is a whole lot of openness, a whole lotta freedom, a whole lotta trying new things, a whole lotta willingness to get it wrong, to be wrong, to be struck down even by the God she thought was only her Judge.
Present Grace knows less and less fear and anxiety; she knows more and more strength and courage sourced from love and faith.
Present Grace is much more in tune with her sense of worthiness and takes even less shit than she did in the past.
Present Grace looks more like the real and true Grace.
I could never have pegged myself to look like what I look like now – not outwardly, that hasn’t changed much lol – but my inner workings, my values, purposes, inclinations, desires, and flow.
I could never have anticipated a life outside of everything I’ve ever known, my culture, society, religion, role.
But something within knew.
There was more. There is more.
And there’s no stopping until… there’s just no stopping.
There’s only just expansion and expansion and expansion. Like space. Hahaha.
There’s only more exploration, more of life, more more more more.
That used to scare me.
The idea of endlessness.
The idea that I could go as far as I believed I could.
It felt like the ground below me falling away, leaving me to claw at whatever security I knew of.
And over time, the falling became more and more the norm, the unknown became more and more an adventure.
The taste of freedom – not freedom as in a right to do something, but freedom in my being, in my allowing to come through what wants to, what so effortlessly surfaces and expresses itself in words, thoughts, feelings, actions, connections – this freedom is a drug.
Once I tasted it, there’s nothing like it. Nothing.
And one taste isn’t enough. It’s too much truth to shelf for another day, another moment, another second.
I wanted it all. Because it felt like I was meant for all of it. It felt like all of it was meant for me.
And to have it any other way was to lie to myself, lie to my Maker, lie to Source within. And that’s since been my greatest lesson – stop the bullshit. Just stop.
There’s too much at stake. Too much to risk losing if I didn’t risk everything.
Perhaps that what he had seen, even if I wasn’t aware of it back then. Perhaps I already would stop at nothing to get to the truth years ago. Perhaps today is simply an unbroken continuation of that wildness (ha) back then.
Dude is now married and living his life.
I am definitely living mine.
To each his own.