Post confession: It was already there all along – 42/100

There has been amazing support and love in response to the previous post. I am humbled and deeply grateful. It adds to and amplifies the effortlessness of this space and chapter for me.

Thank you.

A couple people reached out privately in response to the post. In the conversations, they shared that in our first encounters, they had sensed this part of me. One said he was surprised when I told him around the time that we first met that I was dating a guy.

Things like this have been coming up since I first started asking questions.

And it blows my mind.

Blows my mind how the way one is, just is.

There is no masking, no manipulation, no need to even try to portray it.

There is simply what is.

And then there is the knowing of it.

And then there is the acknowledging of it.

The surrendering to it.

The appreciating of it.

The embracing.

Embodying.

Allowing.

There’s nothing quite like stepping into what seemed so foreign yet fits closer than skin.

Nothing like finding effortlessness in being.

And, specifically, in terms of my sexual orientation, it wasn’t that I was uncomfortable or awkward or didn’t desire closeness, connection, and intimacy with men. I was comfortable and at ease and did desire.

I didn’t seek, look outward to explore because I felt like I was missing or lacking something. I was allowing the curiosity, the interest, the adventure come through.

And I’ve come to see that there is something good, really good here for me.

It doesn’t make me denounce any part of me or my experiences or feelings. I find that my person, my heart and soul can contain and does contain all colors, more than expected or even desired initially haha.

I guess what I really want to say is that I’m tickled by the fact that I don’t need to know or understand everything about me, what I want, where I want to go.

It’s all there. All inside. All coming through in its time in its way.

It’s all there, sensitive to my leaning in, to my curiosity, to my surrender.

All I have to do is say Yes. And there I am.

All of me.