Anticipation creeping – 48/100

I’ve talked about where I stand in regards to my parents’ opinions about me, especially in the space and chapter of life that I’m in.

I’m still there.

Still, there’s a part of me that feels tension, hairs on edge, breath held…

Mainly because I feel like they may find out earlier than later. Or rather, that I’ll let them know earlier than later.

It’s hard to not be me, all of me. Even if that doesn’t mean I’m super out there and expressive about it, it means something to know that I’m free…

Or perhaps that’s something I made up in my mind, that I need people to know about me, where I’m at, in order to feel complete. Maybe I’m still vying for their approval. Ha.

But really, at the heart of it, I feel anticipation rising.

My decisions in the past, though unconventional (e.g. leaving corporate to pursue coaching/healing, leaving church, etc.), didn’t step quite so out of the sphere of my upbringing. Or at least, I don’t think so.

Actually, each time, it did feel like I was stepping off a cliff, not knowing where I would land, if I would land at all.

man on cliff
Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash

But for some reason, this… situation (haha) seems a little more dire, a little more loaded, a little more charged.

Perhaps because I grew up believing that what I’m experiencing now is wrong, bad, and immoral.

Perhaps because I grew up creating distance between myself and those that were not “us”.

Perhaps because I grew up in fear of the unknown, fear of their influence, fear of their freedom, fear of everything they are, which I am not. Correction – was not, everything I was not.

To own up to it in the face of those who raised me, who brought me into this world, who did their very best to lead the way and open a path for me that they thought was ideal feels a little bit like… betrayal.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no turning back for me. Nope. Not even after the one sad face response to my Kissing post. Lol.

I anticipate silence. Sadness from my mom, perhaps grief from my dad. Are they the same thing? I don’t know, they don’t feel the same to me, right now. Anyway.

I anticipate questions – how long? with who? why? why? why?

I don’t even anticipate what my reaction is – I really don’t know.

But on the other hand, maybe I’ve underestimated them. Maybe the past 28 years weren’t the best representation of who I perceive them to be, how I perceive them to be.

Maybe I judge too hard. Too much.

Maybe they are open, willing, accepting.

Maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe not.

Either way, shit is happening.

The only way is forward, upward, and out. It’s always been.

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