I thought I knew what I wanted and to ask for it.
I thought I was pretty in tune with my preferences.
I thought I used my voice pretty well, pretty often.
Until, I wasn’t and didn’t.
Until, I was asked what I wanted,
really asked –
and I noticed, underneath my usual go-with-the-flow, I’m-good response, a quiet voice within that whispered, barely recognizable, almost unsure.
The quiet voice stirred, making its presence known, its utterance still inaudible.
I leaned into it, because the person asking the question really wanted to know.
And now, I wanted to know.
Because it was there, it is here.
And yes, it was truly okay with foregoing my desires and preferences for others, not in martyrdom, but in wanting to give and share.
But, the very existence of my own desires validated that I deserved its fulfillment.
I didn’t feel I had been suppressing any part of me.
I just didn’t pay attention and listen with intention.
And when I did, I felt a world open within me.
It felt so uncomfortable at first to come face to face with the fact that I have preferences and even the littlest desires.
And then it felt extremely out of place for me to give them a voice, to share it with another human being, to be open to having those desires be rejected or ignored.
It became easier though, as I sought after that voice, as I coaxed it, welcomed it, and allowed it to come through.
And I saw that I can get what I want, that I want that which wants me.
I felt heard, valued, loved, important.
And I saw that it is one of the selfless things to open myself up, to allow another to look in, and meet me there.
I saw that it was a gift to be seen.
A gift of freedom to myself, and a gift of an opportunity for generosity by the other.
It’s such a practice, this thing. And there are so many moments to practice.
Sometimes I falter, hesitate, miss a beat.
But I still myself, listen deeply, and move with surety – and still uncertainty at times – toward what I want.
It’s a most beautiful exchange, a most human and vulnerable experience.
I get to do this. I get to create what I want. The universe is asking my opinion on so many things, on EVERY DAMN THING, actually.
And my voice matters.
The more I understand that, the louder and clearer the whisper becomes.
The louder and clearer the whisper becomes, the more certain I am of how I want to show up in the world – as me, all of me, with all my desires, big and small.
This is how I want to be met by the world, by my God, by the universe – facing upward and outward, knowing that I am actively inviting into my being, my life what matters to me.