It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve been operating life from a fear of disappointment. That wasn’t very surprising, to be honest.
It helped me understand why I didn’t go for things, why I held my breath for the other shoe to drop, why I detached myself from desires, wants, hopes.
To be honest, it did make my life happier, freer, lighter.
I didn’t equate not getting something as a loss. It was… life. It’s how things go.
And I’m cool with that.
Except Life is more than that.
Life is just as much about excitement, exhilaration, and drive as much as it is about surrender, acceptance, and contentment.
And as the flow of Life would have it, I found myself in a place where I wanted, where I desired for something more, something I didn’t have, but I wasn’t moving forward to going and getting it.
Understanding that a very thin but firm layer of fear of disappointment underlined my thoughts and feelings clarified my procrastination, my lack of movement toward the very thing I had finally allowed myself to want.
I realized I saw a lot of my life as a disappointment, even though it was very very clear that so much of it was exactly, precisely the opposite.
I realized I considered many things, especially things, relationships, experiences, involvements that did not last, as disappointments.
They were the experiences of wanting and then not having.
Even though I am MORE than grateful and deeply glad that many of those things, relationships, experiences, and involvements are no longer part of my life.
It doesn’t makes sense, right?
But that’s what it was.
And somehow, it did make sense.
And I wanted out.
No more stalling, dawdling, hesitating because of the possibility of things not going the way I thought I preferred.
Because, looking back, actually, everything was perfect.
Even the depression, the loneliness, the emptiness, the confusion…
Because I realized how responsible I was for those moments, those periods.
I realized I created those very things that I hated, found such deep disappointment in.
And in that, was a revelation that I, from the dark, lonely, empty, confused places of my heart, created, invited, and attracted experiences, people, and involvements that left me so aware of where I was standing.
Which then made me aware of how much I hated it, how much I hated what was going on within me.
Which then led me to seek something better.
Not crazy better.
Just barely better.
Just a little bit of relief.
Just a little more room to breathe.
A little more.
And I kept going.
Until I began to allow myself to not only breathe but to thrive.
To be loved.
And I realize now, that the very things I had considered disappointments were the very things that gifted me the life I have today, the present.
They gave me clarity in molding the person I actually want to be.
I realize that my present, my today is the answer to the prayers uttered in the darkness,
the fulfillment of hope fluttering delicately in my heart before escaping into sleep from the nightmare I considered life.
I realize that the present, this present is the evidence of the glory and purpose and current of Life I surrendered to, unknowingly.
I realize I was doing my best, giving my 100% every single moment of every Now of the past, just as I am doing Now.
In these realizations, I found I could no longer judge my past, I could no longer consider them disappointments.
Looking forward, I cannot conceive of the idea of disappointments in my Life. Not because I will have exactly what I want to the tee, not because everything is going to work out conveniently, perfectly, seamlessly.
I cannot conceive of the concept of disappointments because this moment, like every moment, past and future, is Perfect.
Back then, I was creating the Life I thought I deserved – but in the dark.
Today, I create the Life I think I deserve – in the light.
Not to say I’m doing everything right or perfectly.
No, it’s to say that, now, I create from a place in which I am aware of my capacity and participation in the fullness of Life.
The things I don’t agree with, the things that look, sound, feel like what I once thought were disappointments are guidance.
Beautiful profound guidance pointing to light and more light.
All is well.
All has been well.
And all will continue to be well.