I used to believe that it was the words that came out of my mouth that made me right or wrong or good or bad.
It’s why I refrained from using curse words for most of my life.
I cared about right and wrong and good and bad.
And then, I would “slip” back during periods of my life and spew all sorts of profanity, as if to make up for lost time.
I would feel bad about myself, about my choices, about the bleak direction I must be heading if I could not control my tongue.
Today, I have a different view of things.
I view my daily and hourly use of profanity as an expression of irreverence.
That’s essentially what profanity is: irreverence.
I guess more than my relationship with profanity has changed, my relationship with reverence and irreverence has evolved.
I’ve come to realize that the things I had once regarded as reverent, the very important, lofty things are really a sham.
I’ve come to see that they’re empty, broken within, and devoid of true meaning.
The conditioning that I need to be a certain way, that I need to contribute to the world, that I need to be useful, that I need to be good, that I need to do anything other than be and do and feel all of me.
And I’ve come to see that the things I had overlooked, dismissed are the real shit.
The immense and intense joy of this very moment, the beauty in the split second interactions with strangers, the quiet, almost invisible movements of my heart and soul, the loyalty due to my very being.
And in that reversal of values, came a irreverent freedom. One in which I am no longer captive to reverence, to the idea of importance, the idea of value, the idea of honor.
The past couple years have instilled in me a deep sense of freedom that rises from within, reminding me that I get to be all of me, profanity and all.
That I don’t need to revere or honor things that I don’t find worthy of a moment’s attention.
That I am allowed to choose my words the way I want, use exactly the words I want and be okay with it. Be more than okay with it.
I know now that no one really knows anything. No one.
No one really knows what’s up and what’s down.
Just what feels good and right to themselves, and only themselves.
In that case, what was I trying so hard to revere?
What was I trying so hard to preserve?
An idea of something?
The shadow of truth?
All these can go.
And all these have gone.
And I’m left with words and expressions that once disturbed me, yet continued to exist inside me and only inside. Until now.
I think I’m okay, I think I like me.
I’m left with words and expressions that sometimes just perfectly convey exactly what I’m feeling and thinking and being in the most flippant way or the most annoyed way or the most infuriated way.
Profanity does the job and it does it well.
You may think this is trivial, but to me, it isn’t.
It’s the shedding of a something I once thought was true, to come and find that there’s truth and even a genuine reverence for what I really feel and how I truly want to convey myself freely.
That’s something to be happy about.
I believe now, more than the words, it’s how I choose to show up, how I carry myself, and how I lead my life, that actually holds weight in this lifetime, in my concept and love of Self.
That’s that real shit.