My lie of “catching up”

I realized I’ve been sabotaging myself.

I sleep late because I want to “catch up” with work.

I don’t actually catch up.

I find myself getting distracted with other to-do’s, scrolling through Instagram.

I tell myself I deserve it, after a full day’s work.

So then I set my alarm for very early the next day so I can get the day started very early to “catch up” more.

Which results in a painful and extremely not productive morning.

Because I want to sleep.

And because I tell myself that I’m worth more than just work and don’t I want to exercise and be good to me?

I basically get nothing done.

That’s not true.

I do good work, but it feels like I’m always pushing against something to be productive.

I’m not really getting things done when I say I’m working.

I make moves like I am.

But actually I’m not.

I feel like I’m trying to fool myself.

And it’s tiring.

Because I feel like I’m trying to put up a front.

A front that I’m working hard.

That I’m paying the price.

That I’m paying the price to feel content, proud of myself.

To feel accomplished.

Which is hilarious given I didn’t really accomplish anything.

If I’m really honest with myself, I don’t work as hard as I portray.

I’m more just blocked.

Stuck.

Feeling not great about myself.

Which is what takes up most of my time, usually before and after my full work days.

Which then inspires me to try to work more which actually doesn’t get me anywhere because I already feel like shit.

What’s really at the heart of this?

What compels me to pursue my unhappiness?

The easy answer is that I feel like peace of mind, value-add, productivity, satisfaction come with a price.

Somewhere along the way, I gotta feel bad so I can feel good.

Ha.

Bad begets bad.

Everything begets itself.

I don’t want that anymore.

I want to be honest in my work.

Or more honest.

I want to be honest with myself and with others, with Jolie and my team.

I want to be honest throughout the day.

I ant to be honest with my clients.

I want to feel proud of myself, of my dedication, my true intention to do good work.

I want to acknowledge it, celebrate it.

I think that’s where the source of actual good work is.

I honor myself.

I honor the work that I do.

I trust that it is good.

I trust that i do my job well.

I have a lot of evidence of that.

It just doesn’t need to be painful.

Or hard.

Or an uphill battle.

I am good.

My work is good.

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