Time to play in my sandbox

I’ve spent a lot of life playing in other people’s sandboxes.

Other ideologies.

Other perspectives.

Other’s desires.

Other’s thoughts.

Other’s values.

Not that I took them on as my own.

But I’ve spent a lot of life considering them,

turning them over in my hands, my mind, my heart,

deciding whether I would like to play in that sandbox.

I’ve skipped around,

sandbox to sandbox,

sifting through other’s toys,

tools,

trinkets,

treasures.

Admiring them, respecting them, giving it space in my life,

because none of it is bad and not all of it is untrue.

But when do I get to play in my sandbox?

Today, I learned something new, a new way of being.

I have been in the market for a studio apartment.

I found one I really liked, one that I submitted an application for.

It was a little above my original price point,

but I really liked it.

Parking is shit, as is in most areas of Long Beach.

I got into a conversation with someone who knows Long Beach very well, and brought up the fact that I will need to factor in parking, and that it may cost an arm, if not an arm and leg.

I walked away from the conversation feeling a little disheartened.

Was I shooting for something I wasn’t prepared to deal with?

Was I fooling myself?

I felt sort of stuck, and considered looking for other places, which I should be doing anyway lol.

I felt blah.

I was playing in someone else’s sandbox,

playing a game I will always lose.

I had forgotten my desire,

and even deeper than that –

I had forgotten my worthiness of having,

living,

being,

creating my desire.

I had forgotten, for most of my life,

I had a sandbox.

Mine.

A sandbox with my toys,

my tools,

my trinkets,

my treasures.

Mine.

And sandbox where I can be crazy,

go all out,

make the rules,

and make everything in the world and universe heed those rules.

I had forgotten my sandbox,

and so, I had been searching out other’s,

half-heartedly playing with ideas,

ways of being,

realities,

logic that never touched my heart and my soul.

And now that I’ve explored other sandboxes,

I’ve come to find,

there’s no sandbox like mine.

None as enthralling,

invigorating,

substantial,

FUN,

true,

deep,

vast,

beautiful,

glorious

as mine.

Because it’s mine.

Because it’s born of me,

and I’m born of it.

It’s worthy of me,

and I’m worthy of it.

My desires,

my ways of being,

my perspective,

my purpose,

my anthem.

All I had to do was decide,

I want to play in my sandbox.

I want to be crazy in my sandbox.

I don’t need to make sense to others,

and at this point, I don’t really want to.

I want to live in my fantasy,

lay my path,

build my castle.

I’m okay with it.

I wasn’t, before.

Today, I’m okay with it.

I choose it.

I have decided.

Welcome to my sandbox.

Welcome to me.

Welcome to my irrationality.

Welcome to my kingdom

and my galaxy.

You can watch,

but you can’t play with me in my sandbox

unless I say so.

You should probably just play in yours.

Play in your craziness

and I’ll play in mine.