You can’t really tell in the photo but I was struggling with my weight and my body.
I didn’t gain a massive amount os weight, but I knew in my heart of hearts, I was deeply dissatisfied with myself.
I was skinny in high school, super fit, with a way low body fat percentage.
And sometime between graduating high school and 20 years of age, I had gained weight, sort of lost touch with my body.
At the time the photo was taken, in 2015 (Madrid, Spain), I was already on my spiritual journey, had been for about 7 years.
I was in a much better place in my life in 2015 i.e. no depression, no self-loathing, or not as much lol, attracting good people into my space, etc.
But there were still things that niggled at me.
Things that I knew and knew and knew that weren’t right within,
things I wished was just better,
things I wished would be easier,
like having the body I wanted,
feeling good about me,
all the time.
There was such a deep-seated distaste for parts of me.
I just wanted to understand myself,
I just wanted to feel free,
I just wanted…
to not be me.
Which is so interesting, because I had done so much inner work,
I had come so far, become so much,
I was still unhappy.
I was still on the struggle bus of life.
Still feeling in a rut,
an endless groove of self-disdain,
Life felt like a fucking rut lol.
And although, I wasn’t depressed, something wasn’t right.
Something wasn’t clicked in.
Don’t get me wrong, I truly felt happy,
as happy as I could be at the time.
I truly enjoyed life.
there was something more.
Something deeper calling me.
I actually didn’t know what it was, that was calling me.
I just wanted to feel better.
I just wanted to know more,
know for real,
believe for real,
be for real
all the things.
Allll the things.
Is that too much?!?!
Was it too much to ask for some absolute peace?
To look in the mirror and LIKE what I saw?
I just wanted to LIKE myself,
that looked back at me.
There was just something deeper.
And I couldn’t get wrap my head around it.
Which is probably why I couldn’t move past it,
move through it.
I used to starve myself,
to contort my body to look a certain way.
I enjoyed the pain of hunger,
because it spoke to me of my dislike,
Torture, even mild torture, felt appropriate for me,
for this body,
that wasn’t even worthy of being liked.
Why did life suck so much?
Why couldn’t I have it all?
I felt trapped.
Even in the joy of everything I was experiencing while studying abroad, exploring new cultures, places, making new friends.
Yes, even in the midst of all the alive-ness,
I would come home to quiet unhappiness.
Perhaps I didn’t want to face it back then.
Perhaps it was easier to compensate by forcing my actions,
controlling my food habits,
badmouthing my choices.
Perhaps it was easier to run the course of what needed to be run.
Perhaps that was my path of least resistance.
Perhaps that was the best I could do – then.
And perhaps, that was enough.
I sure didn’t know back then what else I could do.
So, I just kept on going.
I kept on doing me,
doing all the things I really did not want to do,
the unhappy eating,
all of it.
What else could I do?
I couldn’t tell you if you paid me.
What a shitstorm,
a slow brewing quiet roar of a shitstorm.
Somehow I made it to today, 5 years later.
And let me tell you.
Shit is real.
Life is real.
Energy is real.
It’s really all there is.
IT IS REALLY ALL THERE IS.
Over these past several years,
I’ve done so much work within,
so much “intangible” exercising,
so much “unseen” releasing,
so much so much.
Every little step of the way, I learned new ways of loving,
new ways of healing,
new ways of holding myself,
caring for myself,
new ways of seeing myself,
seeing the world,
seeing my place in the world,
new ways of being.
I was shedding.
I was literally exorcising the emotional, spiritual, mental shit that was expressing itself in the form of additional weight.
Yes, it’s real.
It’s really real.
The body is a vessel of the truth of who and what we are.
The body is a VESSEL.
Which means the purpose of the body is not the body.
The purpose of the body is what it encases,
what it was created to carry,
And the body expresses the inner world.
Someone who works out excessively, relentlessly, desperately expresses that desperation through the body, usually in the form of harrowed and undernourished stature and features.
The body doesn’t lie.
Someone who doesn’t want to process emotions and thoughts and inner workings, expresses that blockage through the body, usually in the form of added weight.
The body doesn’t lie.
And I saw that my body didn’t lie.
Though I hadn’t gained an excessive amount of weight, I can see now, I was holding onto some old shit that wasn’t working, and had actually never worked.
And I can see how it was connected to my deep dissatisfaction with myself, with life, with God.
It was not punishment.
It was a guide,
a thread to follow.
And I followed the damn thread.
It wasn’t really about my body.
It wasn’t really about my dislike for my body shape, my fitness.
It wasn’t really any of those things.
It was really… about me with me.
It was really about me with God.
It was really about me with Life.
It was really about me believing in myself.
It was really about me choosing myself.
It was really about agreeing with God,
agreeing about my worthiness,
agreeing about my desires,
that they are meant to come true,
See, back then, 5 years go and beyond, even 2 years ago,
I didn’t really get that my desires are MEANT to come to life.
I mean, I had heard it, and I did plenty of work around worthiness,
around all that smushy stuff.
But back then, I REALLY didn’t get it.
I was holding back from myself,
I was withholding from myself.
I was living a half life.
And it showed – in my body.
Today, I have no idea what I weigh.
I don’t have a scale at home.
I don’t remember the last time I checked.
Actually, I do – it was at someone’s house.
I remember getting on,
not shying my eyes away,
afraid to see the “truth”.
I remember getting on,
And I can see clearly – it was never about the weight.
It was never even about loving my body.
It was never about anything I thought it was.
It was always about remembering who I am.
Always about remembering what I am.
Always about living in accordance with that.
Always about letting my desires fly,
knowing they will always come back fulfilled.
Always about knowing my place in the world,
knowing I walk with God,
even more deeply than I had known it back in 2015, and let me tell you,
I really knew it back then, even more than anyone I knew, even more than the pastors and spiritual leaders I knew back then.
And when that clicked into place,
little by little,
moment by moment,
step by step,
my body couldn’t lie.
My body was free,
free of misunderstandings about life,
Free of misbeliefs,
My body is free to fully be the expression of health, well-being, strength, and power that is ME.
I tell this story because spirituality is not just the woo-woo.
It’s not even “just not”.
Our spiritual being-ness IS who and what we are.
Our inner world IS the world we live in.
Our “intangible” essence IS the experience we live.
To deny this is to deny ourselves the highest quality of life.
To reject this is to reject your own happiness.
To neglect this is to neglect your true destiny –
not the destiny you’re headed down led by default thoughts and habits,
but the true destiny of WHY YOUR SOUL CHOSE THIS LIFE, YOUR BODY, YOUR MIND, ON THIS PLANET, IN THIS TIME.
It’s your choice.
It’s always been.
Nobody needs you to live your life differently.
But I bet you one gazillion dollars – you WANT to live your life differently.
And if not, you may be so blinded, so numbed to your own pain, discomfort,
you may have shut down your truth,
so much so, you’ve deigned to live a poor excuse of a life.
And if so, you are on your way.
Because your soul will guide you.
It will always lead you.
Be willing to see differently,
be willing to be different,
be willing to open up within.
All your answers are there.
within that beautiful body of yours.
If you read this entire thing, you get me.
No one reads 1500+ words because of disinterest.
I know you.
I get you.
I see you.
You know you are worthy,
yet you don’t believe it.
You believe it,
but you don’t know it – yet.
“Yet” because you are meant to.
It’s what you came here to know, to learn, to remember.
“Yet” because it’s your destiny.
You know you’re called for more,
you know there just HAS to be more.
You know this, but you are remembering.
You are remembering, because it is who you are.
It being, the MORE, the MAGNIFICENCE,
All of it.
You get me?
I have two spots open to work 1:1 for 6 weeks.
The investment is $1,777.
Unlimited access to me.
Remember, you’re not getting just someone who says some shit that makes you think, see things differently,
you’re getting in the space of someone that’s walked the journey,
someone who continues to,
If you feel called, you KNOW.
Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org