I never knew my life could be this good.
So fucking good.
But then,
I did know.
It’s why I followed every single freaking thread,
every single nudge within,
every single hint and clue and thought and belief that I believed came from soul.
It’s why I said yes to what was within again and again and again and again
and again
and again
and again.
And again.
Ad nauseum.
Ad infinitum.
Ad EVERYTHING.
I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew…
I didn’t know what I really knew back then,
when I was figuring this whole Who-the-fuck-am-I shit.
I didn’t realize how much actually was inside of me.
It was like I was on a journey, a quest, without really knowing it.
I was so deep in it, I really didn’t even know what the big picture was.
I just knew,
I had to get to the bottom of this.
It was going to happen.
Because I was unavailable for it not to.
All I knew in every moment was that my life depended on it.
All I knew in every moment- I would rather die than not follow,
not listen within,
not find out what the fuck I was asking all these questions for.
Because there had to be a reason.
There HAD TO.
There just COULD NOT, NOT BE.
I just could not accept the preposterous idea of living life UNANSWERED,
HANGING,
FORLORN,
BLEAK.
It was not a possibility.
So even when I DIDN’T KNOW,
I can see that I DID.
Because the desire yielded the search,
the search yielded the fulfillment of those desires,
and the fulfillment yielded the integration,
the integration yielded the embodiment.
And now, in this complete embodiment of the truth and knowing intertwined in my BEING-NESS, I can see –
I always knew.
All the wandering,
the feeling lost-ness,
the hopelessness,
the desperation,
all of that was sourced from the deep knowing
NOT BEING EMBODIED IN ALL OF ME.
The feeling of incompletion,
the feeling of confusion,
the feeling of unease,
it all spoke to the truth within me that my mind and body had not yet caught,
understood,
received,
become.
I can see that my searching was always fueled from that place,
that actual place of knowing.
The hunger to relieve that relentless knowing,
the truth,
the thirst for satisfaction in all of my being and my life
was also the fulfillment of itself.
The search,
the journey WAS the whole thing.
I was never not knowing.
I simply did the next logical step –
move in the direction of my soul,
even when I didn’t know wtf it meant to follow soul.
Which gives me so much relief,
so much DUH.
I don’t need to KNOW anything.
I don’t need to UNDERSTAND anything.
All I gotta do is be in ME.
All I gotta do is BE.
And the rest follows.
Because what I came here to experience,
came here to know,
came here to embody,
came here to blow up,
create,
BECOME,
IT WAS INEVITABLE.
NO MANUAL REQUIRED.
Well, no manual provided.
But ACTUALLY, yes, manual provided…
by the quiet – and also NOT QUIET lol – questions, desires, inklings, nudges, frustrations, inner movement, inner guidance.
Probably the greatest frustration came from thinking that the manual was something to receive and take in,
rather than to ALLOW.
Because it’s there.
Oh, it’s fucking there.
Like nobody’s business.
Because it’s nobody’s business but MINE.
And my responsibility to myself,
to GOD,
to the WORLD,
is to allow that manual to be OPENED,
to be read,
to be digested,
to be received into me, my conscious mind, my physical vessel.
And the rest,
well, the rest is what it is.
Just the whole freaking reflection of the manual of Grace Kim LIVED OUT.
All it took was to open up to it,
and then let it motherfucking take over.
It was both the hardest and EASIEST thing I’d ever done.
Hard because it felt like I was losing it,
losing my mind,
losing my grip on everything I knew,
losing my identity.
Sounds dramatic, and let me tell you – it sure felt like it.
I felt like I would die at times.
But it also felt EASY,
because there was just no. other. way.
No other way for me to live,
no other path for me to follow.
I was unavailable NOT TO FOLLOW SOUL.
I couldn’t fathom ignoring what was coming through,
what wanted to and WAS GOING TO WHETHER I LIKED IT OR NOT,
whether I CHOSE it or NOT.
There was NOTHING inside of me that could turn down,
quiet,
suppress,
neglect
what was coming through.
And so,
even in those moments of feeling like I was jumping off a cliff,
choosing to believe or be or do something I really didn’t know what the end of it would entail,
I was all in.
I couldn’t not be.
It was like I was possessed.
The yearning was so fucking real.
It was guttural,
feral,
unforgiving.
So I gave in.
Like anyone would do, I suppose.
Reflecting back, I ask,
Could it have been easier?
Hmm.
No.
There was a reckoning that came with the manual (I guess that’s what I’m going with now lol) coming through.
There was a coming to terms,
accepting and choosing the truth that either I go in the direction of my soul or stay in the comfort of mediocrity.
And as shitty as mediocrity sounds,
it sure felt safer and easier than the alternative.
It was the reckoning of what felt easy to my mind
vs.
what felt easy to my heart.
And every time I peered into myself, I knew what was easy to my mind would NEVER YIELD TO ME WHAT I WANTED.
Because I had already lived my life like that.
Because I already knew that road,
walked those steps,
breathed that staleass air.
And at some point, the inevitable becomes obvious.
There’s no other way but to jump the damn cliff.
Not slither down hoping for some semblance of safety and security,
banging every bone and last bit of sanity on every piece of resistance and fear and unease.
Not try to manage the inevitable,
the insurmountable FORCE within that was GOING TO COME THROUGH ANYWAY.
There was only the leap to be taken.
The FUCK-IT and FINE-I’M-DOING-IT-FINE-GODDAMNIT-ness.
The leap of abandon mixed with the last minute desperate oh-please-god-don’t-let-me-die.
Oh, how God must have laughed at me.
“You fool, you’re leaping into LIFE, into LOVE, into the motherfacking FREEDOM you’ve desired as a CHILD, when you didn’t even have a CLUE WHAT YOU WANTED YOUR LIFE TO LOOK LIKE.
You fool, you were CREATED for this.”
God, I heard that so many times – you were created for this.
I’m almost sick of it.
It’s like the caterpillar who FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY enters the cocoon, into the UNKNOWN, into the UNRAVELING, the UNDOING, the UNFOLDING,
to do what it was always meant to do.
Like DUH.
MOTHERFUCKING DUH.
Jaysus.
Now that the duh-ness of it all is finally integrated, I can look back and laugh.
And it feels
so
damn
good.
Like I FUCKING TOLD YOUUUUUU.
I FUCKING TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE,
SOME SEMBLANCE OF TRUTH IN YOU.
THANK GOD YOU DIDN’T CONTINUE TO CHOOSE TO BE NUMB-SKULLED AND DIMWITTED.
PRAISE THE FREAKING LORD.
Seriously.
Praise the lord life REALLY is fucking amazing.
Praise the lord LOVE IS REALLY REAL.
Praise the lord, I always was going to become the person I was meant to be.
All I had to do was lose everything.
Ha.
The manual is real,
it’s unique to everyone.
But there’s a manual, for sure.
Like every tree has roots,
but no tree has the same root structure.
And every tree becomes exactly the tree it was meant to be.
The only difference between a tree and YOU, ME, EVERY FREAKING HUMAN is:
the tree doesn’t have to choose.
We have the privilege – seemingly the CURSE hahah of choosing EXACTLY who we become,
EXACTLY the life we live
to the mothafucking T.
Life is in our hands.
And it doesn’t have to feel so fucking hard.
You’ve been moving in that direction and all you need is some guidance.
Not guidance on how to do anything,
but guidance on following YOUR guidance.
This is the work I do.
This is what I share with you.
An invitation to move through the stuck-ness to what you KNOW is calling you.
Yes, your very own personal manual ha.
I have spots available to work with me 1:1, minimum 6 weeks to start.
Weekly groundbreaking calls,
unlimited access to me via chat throughout,
and getting your ass kicked in a soulful way 🙂
Comment, PM me, email – grace@gracejyk.com
Welcome to you and the rest of your life.
Love,
Grace
I wanna know what you think