I Felt Like Shit

Today, I felt like shit.

I felt sad,

disappointed,

lonely,

frustrated,

angry,

annoyed,

what else…

lame,

stuck,

blah.

A lot of blah.

Blah blah blah.

All I wanted was to feel not blah.

Not any of it.

I didn’t really understand why this stuff was coming up.

As I lay on my bed, on the phone with Soul, I felt the tears form and flow.

I felt so lost, forlorn.

I let myself be there,

feeling sorry for myself,

giving myself space to be,

allowing what was within me come up and through.

I stopped trying to make sense of it.

It felt like there was no point.

All I had to do was be there, allow it.

Feel it.

Feel it all.

I wish I could say that at the end of it all, I felt so much better.

That I felt much lighter,

happier,

peaceful.

Well, I do feel the peace.

But it was quite anticlimactic.

After getting off the phone, and laying out for a minute, I got up, brushed my teeth, took my contacts out, and showered.

And here I am.

Not really feeling resolved, but not feeling as stuck.

Just here.

Present.

Willing to be here,

willing to see things differently,

willing to own whatever was coming through.

I saw that my breath continued,

my body still responded to my intentions,

the ability to be present remained.

I didn’t need to do much to be me,

all of me.

The me that exclaims, I LOVE LIFE during almost every meal,

and the me that feels disappointment with myself.

The me that believes in myself more than anything else,

and the me that feels hopeless at times.

The me that knows exactly what the next step is,

and the me that can’t even understand the step I’m on at the moment.

All the me’s.

Where is the line drawn between all my me’s?

Where is the thread of patterns to follow?

Where is the clarity to afford me guidance and direction?

Always in those moments, it feels the most silent.

As if all the me’s have surfaced and are floating around, hanging out, nowhere to go, nothing to do…

… while I have a fairly quiet existential meltdown about who the f*@% I am and what I came here to do.

All the parts of me are the audience to the very being-ness of me, feeling what I feel, thinking what I think.

And I can see.

There is nothing to wait for.

There is nothing to strive for.

I don’t need to “get out of this place”.

I don’t need a remedy.

I don’t need to even feel better.

I don’t need to “get it”.

I don’t need to process.

I see that this is what is, and my job is to let it be,

and then, to choose.

It’s not an epic massive choosing that flips the world around, starts a revolution, etc.

It’s a simple choosing to see everything around me, within me.

And in that choosing, I sit right back in my throne.

I am reminded of my sovereignty.

I am reminded that I am in the throes of life, riding along the melee in my chariot, commanding the crashing waves, directing the thunderous skies.

I am reminded that I am both the one that traverses the universe,

and,

I am the universe itself.

I let it sit, sink in.

Let the awareness slip snugly into the actual is-ness within me.

There’s nothing to do.

Nowhere to go.

Everything is here.

Everything is now.

I believe it, 

and so I know it.

I know it,

so I choose it.

I choose it,

so it is.

I expand to the limits of my ever-expanding dominion.

I spill over the edges and rush into the dark corners of my existence and remind the darkness of its place – it only exists in the illusion of no light.

I let it all be what it is.

I let all the me’s be.

I embrace them all.

I love them all.

I know them all.

I trust them all.

All are in service to me, to my journey.

But that’s not why I love them.

I love them not for their service.

I love them because they are.

And I love me for letting them be.

I love me for my presence.

I love me for whatever I choose in the moment.

I love me because.

Because it is enough.

It is enough to be here.

It is enough to be all me.

It has always been so.

It has always been a matter of surrendering to what is within.

It has always been a matter of accepting and living into the omniscience of me.

Perhaps, that is the remedy,

the guidance,

the light.

To admit to radical sovereignty over my being, my body, my mind, my heart, my soul.

To accept dominion over my life.

To let it run through me,

and then to take hold of it all.

To come home to the actuality of my being.

I see that it’s always been the case.

That life is not a series of miscellaneous events and happenings.

It’s been a single chord of breath bringing me always back home to me,

home to my soul,

home to my truth,

home to pure being-ness.

I can say, that one aspect of my life I’ve never been disappointed with, is my constant choosing, my dogged obstinance about living a true life, being impeccable with all my being.

It has been the guide to all of my life.

At first, it showed up in fragmented parts of my life,

I couldn’t always piece it together.

I attended to each part sectionally, seeking truth in the individual piece, in the broken heart, or the disappointed outcome, or the turbulent home situation.

And, as time and God would always have it, with greater awareness after grasping the lesson from each fragment, I can see, the greater lesson underneath, behind it all –

come home.

Come home and keep coming home to soul.

Arrived and always arriving.

The song and dance of life.

I surrender to it.

No one is without their shitty days.

But not everyone has to struggle to move through them.

It’s a matter of knowing where you stand within, with yourself, with God, with the universe.

The rest falls into place – always.

The grace with which you move through your discomfort is correlated with the level of your settled-in-ness with yourself.

Every experience is then received into you for what it is – another shade of life, of humanity, and yes, of divinity.

You’re here to live unconditionally – not to never experience ‘bad’ things.

But unconditionally – to be able to stand in your knowing no matter what happens or comes through you.

If you’re ready to own your YOU, all of you, I have limited spots available to work together to position you to integrate and embody the real You that is coming through.

When you are truly allowing all of you to be alive, there is no fear in anything that comes forth from within you.

You are no longer a slave to the unpredictability of life.

It’s not the way it should be – it’s the way it IS.

It’s up to you to translate that truth into yourself and your life.

The 6 week immersion program is designed for exactly that.

Weekly private calls and unlimited chat access to me throughout.

PM me, comment, email me – grace@gracejyk.com – for details.

The work of becoming all of you is the greatest work there is.

Love,

Posted by

I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

Leave a Reply