The life we live is ours.
Somewhere in my past, I learned that my life was not mine.
That I was a steward of it, and it really belonged to God.
In the sense that she possessed it and had a will and destiny for it.
It fueled a sense of sacrificial living.
Since I was really only here to fulfill God’s will,
then everything that I perceived to be solely for me and my pleasure and enjoyment were superfluous and not worthy of choosing, having, doing.
Everything else that did not fit the bill of the idea of the perception of the concept of the life I was put here to live,
had to go.
It meant FUN was not really an option in and of itself.
It was acceptable if it happened to be a side effect of God’s will, but it shouldn’t be considered something to pursue.
It meant FREEDOM was irrelevant.
Because it would mean I get to choose my life according to ME, which could potentially be outside of God’s will, and that would be a waste of life.
It meant DESIRE was inappropriate.
It meant ROMANTIC LOVE was extra.
If I was called to celibacy (which I did consider at one point of my religiously devout years lol), then that’s what would be.
Regardless of what I actually want.
And so on.
Basically, it felt like living a devoted spiritual life meant giving myself, my energy, my destiny over to a higher purpose.
I didn’t really think too much of it back then.
I accepted that this was what a God-centered spiritual life entailed.
It was just part of it all.
It was what I had chosen.
It made sense to me.
Until it didn’t.
Until I couldn’t marry the concept of being a fully devoted follower with the raw truth of what was coming through me, the desires, the inclination for freedom, wild abandon to my own expression.
Until I reached the end of my rope of faith in a God that CREATED ME and EVERYTHING within me,
and
had a WILL, DESTINY, PURPOSE, WHATEVER that DIDN’T INCLUDE ALL OF ME.
I know spirituality is not logical,
but this literally did not make cognitive sense to me.
And it wasn’t enough to believe without getting buy-in from all of me.
Yes, that’s a thing.
Getting buy in from ALL of you is a real thing, which is something I also had to learn, because up until then,
it was enough to keep believing something even though it didn’t make 100% sense.
The ultimate buy-in is when ALL of you says YES and there’s not an ounce of you that needs or even wants to understand in order to believe (which leads to the doing, having, being, etc.).
Anyway, I reached a point where I got real clear on the fact that something was off, within me.
I couldn’t feel that ultimate buy-in into the faith I had been taught.
My personal spiritual journey was thriving, just motherfucking off the charts.
I didn’t know anyone in my community that was doing it like I did, that took it as seriously as I did, and lived it as I did.
I was coming into wisdom that had been dormant within me,
experiencing things in the quantum, though I didn’t have the language around it just yet (I called those “really great prayer sessions” hahah),
learning, integrating, embodying new ways of being that flowed into my physical world, into relationships, my well-being, my continuous state of being.
My personal journey felt fucking real.
It was so intimate, so close, so so so true.
I could feel the truth of me break open, sometimes with force, sometimes in gentleness.
And it all felt so good.
But, how did it all fit in with the spiritual living of aligning to God’s will?
How could I continue to choose the FUN, the FREEDOM, the DESIRES I was starting to allow to rise from within,
WHILE being true and faithful to my Creator?
No one told me it was possible.
Everything in my learned mind was telling me I was wrong.
But do you know what it feels like to KNOW something in your mind, in your head,
and
FEEL something else in your heart,
from a deeper place that knows no words?
There comes a reckoning, if you are brave enough to face it.
A reckoning of exploring the grey, the in-between the in-between,
venturing into that place, where you’re aware of something, but you need to step into it with your soul,
not just spectate and contemplate the considerations.
To me, that’s the calling for LIFE,
for LOVE,
for GOD,
for UNIVERSE to come THROUGH you.
It’s that perfect innate intelligence that created the world rising within you because how can it not?
How can it NOT be made manifest in the vessel it chose to occupy?
It would be dishonest not to.
That’s what I felt.
The crack in the ground that seems to expand over time, into its own terrain.
As more and more and more time passed, I came to know from that deep place, that God was within me,
she was just chillin’ in my depths,
the labyrinth of my desires,
entwined in the FUN and FREEDOM that my being-ness leaned toward, welcomed, laughed in.
I could FEEL the god-ness AND goOdness of all the things I had considered my sacrificial ticket to a God-filled and Holy Spirit-led life.
I could no longer deny it.
EVERYTHING COMING THROUGH ME *WAS*IS*WILL BE* THE LANGUAGE OF GOD TRANSLATED BY *ME*,
BY MY ALLOWANCE OF IT ALL IN MY LIFE,
MY CHOOSING IT,
MY DECIDING IT GETS TO COME TO LIFE,
PURELY FOR MY ENJOYMENT, PLEASURE, AND ALIVENESS.
I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew…
there is no difference between MYSELF and GOD.
Me being ALL OF ME,
me CHOOSING ME,
me LIVING MYSELF OUT
*IS* God’s will.
It IS the way to LIFE.
It IS the true destiny, what I came here to do and be.
The joy of God is fulfilled in the going all in on my pure ME-NESS.
The presence of God is made manifest in the full allowance of ME being ME.
God’s will for me is never separate or outside of all of me.
Period.
Amen.
The end.
It is the same for all of us.
This is how it is.
This is how we’re made.
You are here because you are journeying into that unknown land within,
because you know life is more an existence handed to you on the way out of your mother’s womb.
If you are captivated by the mystery of Life within, if you are craving a deeper life, a realer life, and aren’t sure where to start, I invite you to my 6-week program:
The Realm of You
This is where we take spiritual principles, values that you desire to implement into your life and we bring them to LIFE.
This is where rubber meets the road.
This is where you get crystal clear on who you are,
how you want to show up in the world,
how you desire to live life,
and you pave your way.
You do the damn thing simply because – you know you are meant to.
There’s no other way.
You know this.
PM me, comment, emaile me – grace@gracejyk.com for details and questions.
Weekly private calls and unlimited chat access to me.
6 weeks.
All you for you because you.
I wouldn’t wait.
Love,
I wanna know what you think