I just want you to know today:
I didn’t want to write today.
Before typing these words, I spent an hour on Instagram, laying on my bed, scrolling through, tapping on almost all the links selling protein powders, and watching Tiktok compilations.
Before that, I had taken a nap.
I knew I wanted to write today.
But I don’t always want to write.
And it doesn’t always feel good, before I write.
As I spend my time not writing, but knowing I’m going to write at some point, several voices play out in my mind.
I hear the voices that say,
Perseverance is the way to success,
Resistance is the enemy,
Are you avoiding your soul work?
If you’re not doing what you’re meant to be doing, what are you afraid of?
and so on.
So much fun stuff.
But I’m not here to tell you I powered through it and caught sight of my vision and realigned myself to my destiny and poured my heart into this writing.
Well, the last part, yes.
But everything else, nah.
I’m honestly not the hustler.
I’m not the kid who had ambitions and dreams and ideas and executed on them.
I actually had a teacher pull out my grades and show my mom the consistent B’s over the year and how I just seemed… comfortable.
Didn’t really care to make the A’s and never fell below the Asian “C”.
He was concerned, in a well-meaning way, for my lack of ambition and my disinterest in (his and the education system’s version of) excellence.
My mom, though, bless her heart, didn’t stress out like some Asian parents might.
She raised me with a lot of grace.
My dad did too.
And I don’t know if it was because of that or what, but I just couldn’t bring myself to care.
In high school, I bought into the system more, and did get more stressed out about getting the A (which I sometimes did).
But by the time I graduated college, I thought the whole thing was a sham.
And a few years after that, I knew it was.
I just knew that I didn’t have these dreams and goals that people had.
As I progressed through my youth, I watched what was presented before me, the track of life I was to take and I believed my job was to follow it.
All the way through.
I pseudo-claimed others’ dreams as mine.
I pseudo-created goals and aspirations that sounded acceptable.
But underneath it all, there was a part of me that truly never gave a shit.
The one that got the B’s.
The one that, given the opportunity, just wanted to play.
The one that didn’t want to do things she didn’t want to do.
There WAS one thing I wanted even as a child.
I wanted to know how to live.
I wanted to know how to be in this life.
I wanted to know who I was.
I wanted to know these things.
And these things were not things to power toward,
these were not things to put effort into,
to receive at a ceremony.
These were not things that would (directly) show me how to make money,
be respected and admired in the ‘real’ world.
But they were real to me.
Real enough for me to lose the desire to live, to see a future when I couldn’t grasp the answers.
It was quite a struggle to live in the dissonance of a world that presented a standard path, a way to live life, to do the persevering thing, to work hard, to become a citizen of society I didn’t want to be part of,
an inner world that spoke of a radically free way of being, of a life that actually made sense to me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, of an inner flow that flowed with the flow of the universe and God.
I straddled both, presenting myself as someone who ‘got it’ to the world, the one that worked hard, strived, struggled, had goals and moved in their general direction, checking the boxes,
while living in a state of confusion as to why none of life made sense,
why no one actually seemed to know how to live life the WAY I wanted to.
I’ve come a ways since then.
And, I just want you to know, I know enough now that the life, the way of being that I craved for myself is true and available.
The person I am today, I became not because I tried or struggled or worked hard or set goals and planned.
The person I am today, I became because I surrendered my trying, my struggling, my working hard, my inanimate empty goals.
The person I am today, the life I have today, the way I live my life – it all happened from flow.
It all happened when I gave over to ease, to the generosity of my existence, the grace of life.
My only part in it was to ask and be available for the unspoken, unseen, inaudible answers.
From that place, I write.
I don’t work hard, or ‘hustle’ or do the ‘grind’ thing.
Yes, I sleep past midnight some nights so I can get my writing in for the day.
But never in the name of perseverance or success or commitment to my ‘work’.
I do it because I’m free to do it.
And I can feel deep within, my soul chooses it.
Deep within, I KNOW what needs to be done.
And what needs to be done is what I’m here to do, which, inherently is the easiest thing to do.
It’s never against the grain, MY grain.
It’s always in the flow of ME.
I choose it.
I choose it with ease, I choose it with grace, I choose it in freedom.
And I let everything else fall into place, the way my life did, as I let everything that didn’t come from my heart and soul go, out out out the window.
If your soul is calling, you might be wanting to answer, but not feeling like you are.
I get it.
You might feel stuck and confused and lost as to why it feels so grey and unclear.
I can help with that.
The life you came here to live, the way you desire to live originates from one place and it cannot be taught to you.
Your path is to go inward and remember that the life and being-ness of you has always been true and available.
If you desire to bring it to life in your life, you need only choose it.
You are already there.
If you want that guidance, to drop in deeper, to integrate further, to embody the Real You, let’s talk.
PM me, comment, email me – firstname.lastname@example.org
I have so much love for you and your journey.
It is greatest reason you are here.
It is THE reason you are.
I bow to you.
I wanna know what you think