Dodging Bullets of Triggers

The other day, I had an experience that took me straight back to my teenage years.

No detours, no scenic route, no smell-the-roses pathway.

Straight back to a part of what I would consider my hellhole-of-a-time teenage years.

It was triggered by Soul, my partner, and Stef, my best friend, becoming close.

Stef, if you’re reading this – surprise!

Lol.

You’ll like this.

So anyway, there was a moment about last week when the memory of those times hit me like a train.

I could literally feel my heart sinking.

It felt like my inner walls were caving and I had nothing to lean on.

I am so dramatic – I know!!!

I felt this very lonely part of me peek through, or rather seep through.

I felt this very unworthy part of me poke its head out.

I felt like I had nothing to bring to the table, that my partner and friend would be so happy without me and their relationship can and will thrive without me, without any remnant or consideration of me.

I felt discarded.

Rejected.

Hopeless.

Sad.

Just so sad.

Sad that I was so discardable.

Sad that I felt so lonely.

Sad that I could feel this after HOW MANY YEARS?!?!?!

JESUS.

Sad that the two closest people in my life could leave me out and live life as if I didn’t exist.

I know I’m making the scenario sound crazy, and it’s to show you how REAL it felt.

How DEEP it felt.

You get me?

At the same time, I couldn’t believe I could STILL feel these emotions, that SAME imploding feeling… that SAME I’ve-lost-it-all-it’s-over-now-ness.

UGH.

How? Why? When???? Who?? What?? Where???

Lol.

But I could see, so clearly, even in the midst of all the victim shenanigans, this was simply a repeat of a cycle.

Kinda weird, right?

How can I be IN it AND SEE it??

That’s what years of conscious choosing will do to ya.

It made me FREAKING AWARE.

Freaking aware of what is happening within and that I am NOT the emotions.

Anyway, I saw myself in that moment and I could see the old old old pain and hurt and burn.

I could see that there was a part of my heart that had still bought into a sense of unworthiness, a sense of rejection.

I saw it, I knew it, I held for it.

I gave myself the space to feel it.

I gave myself the space to be with it.

I gave myself the space to let it come up, allllllll that shit.

It didn’t matter that I was “so much more aware, why would I think these things now??”.

It didn’t matter that I knew Soul and Stef love me more than I’ll ever know.

It didn’t matter that I was playing old games.

All that mattered was that it was present.

And I could see it.

So I let that shit come the fuck up.

And I registered it as an old story I had carried, actually a badge of freaking honor.

How TWISTED is that??!?!

I actually believed that being left out in my past multiple times by the closest people in my life was a reason to feel unworthy.

And I got to stay in that place because I felt so horrible.

So fucked up.

Anyway.

I sat with it.

I brewed in it.

I knew the anger and frustration were secondary.

I knew it was not about Soul or Stef.

It was about me and my unresolved issue.

Goddamnit.

As it had always been.

Just not always handled with the most tact or awareness or understanding.

Lol.

I had done plenty of self-forgiveness for myself in the past for this issue.

And now, I was just going to let it be on its way.

I knew this was an old story,

I knew this whole experience was based on a misbelief.

I knew this whole thing was made up by me.

And I wasn’t having it.

I have more important things to do!!!

Like being in Love with my people.

Like being Loved by them.

Like receiving their love and affection as a reflection of the whole freaking loving I am.

Like ACTUALLY living my freaking life, know what I means?!?

Just no time, guys.

Just no time for this bullshit.

So, I owned it.

I brought it up to Soul.

We talked about it.

Because I KNEW this was my shit (as everything is, when shit comes up hahah so easy to freaking tell), I put nothing on Soul.

Soul held for me.

Soul took no responsibility and I put none on them.

I was a big girl – I knew what the fuck was happening.

And I knew I was reckoning with myself.

And so I did.

I said Bye.

If I never see you again, I’d be okay with that.

Because I know who da fack I am.

Because I know my worthiness is an absolute given.

And ANYTHING outside of that is absolute trash.

I choose what’s true.

Period.

Every time.

I allow myself to heal.

I allow myself to become a new person based on the core truth of my being.

I allow myself to choose into and create the life I’m meant to live.

One moment at a time.

This is my freaking job.

This is my responsibility, my response-ability.

And so, the sicheeayshun was resolved.

Just like that.

Trigger aborted.

Absolved.

Resolved.

Released.

Bye bye.

Moving onto other things, like being fully me.

You know, the real stuff, the actual stuff that matters.

But let me tell you, my ability to do that did NOT always look like THAT lol.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaar from it.

Like VERRYYYYYYY FAR.

God, it’s a freaking miracle I’m even here the way I am.

Which it is.

A miracle.

It’s grace.

It’s flow.

It’s truth.

It’s a gift to know and to live in the knowing.

This is freedom.

This is LIFE.

No time to dabble in the bullshits of life.

There is only now, only here.

You know if it’s time to truly face your magnificence, your wonderment, your awe-inspiring-ness.

You know if it’s time to unleash the All-of-You-ness.

Actually, it’s always time for that – it’s just, will you?

If you know and you will, I have 2 spots available to work with me 1:1, diving head first into the reality of you, the Realm of You.

You can never get it wrong.

By definition, you are always the Right You.

It’s a matter of discerning what is true to you.

This program goes deep; it uncovers your core.

6 weeks, weekly private calls, unlimited chat access to me throughout.

I wouldn’t wait.

Love,

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I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

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