As a teenager, I used to ponder the idea of something amazing happening,
like winning the lottery or
meeting the PERFECT boyfriend-material person or
having the perfect body or
having the funnest most excitingest tight group of friends,
and feel depressed.
Even back then, in my adolescent angsty years, I felt the dissatisfaction, discontent, whatever-ness of HAVING these things.
Perhaps, that’s part of what made made me so angsty.
Lol.
I knew I wanted all these things, but… I just couldn’t put my finger on why the thought of these things brought me down.
Now, I know.
I was and am so dissatisfied with HAVING without BEING.
Somehow, somewhere inside of that teenage mind, I knew –
having all the things without being the person who truly creates the things, attracts the things, vibes with the things was not worth it.
It meant nothing to me to have all the money even though I had a laundry list of things I wanted.
It meant nothing to me to be in a perfect relationship even though I wanted to experience romantic love.
It meant nothing to me to be part of an exclusive and fun and cool group of people even though I wanted to belong.
Even though those things were at the top of my desires list, I knew that I knew that I knew that I just fucking knew that they weren’t IT.
I just didn’t know WHAT it was.
Hence, the depression.
It felt like there was no point in life.
What was the point of wanting and moving in the direction of the want, all the while knowing it was never going to be enough?
I look back and am quite impressed by my teenage mindset.
Because even though I didn’t know what the actual F was going on, I DID know that more than the having, the REAL juice of life, the REAL, the actual “thing” I wanted was to BE the person.
I knew that in that moment of my life, if I were to have all those things, it would be for a moment.
It would be but for a moment that I lived in luxury and a fulfilled desires list, because in my heart of hearts, I lived in lack.
It would be but for a moment that I doted and was doted on by my ideal lover (who, if this picture of a person was alive, I’d laugh at lol), because deep within, I felt unwanted, rejectable, undesirable.
It would be but for a moment that I was friends with the cool popular kids because I lived in the gnawing insecurity of unworthiness, not-cool-enough-ness, never-say-the-right-thing-ness.
Everyone would know.
Everyone would know I’m an imposter.
Everyone would know I’m full of bullshit.
Shit, I could feel that shit inside of me REAL clear myself.
And at the end of the day, I knew, all those things I “had”, were never really mine.
Because I could not uphold and sustain them.
Because I did not know who TF I was.
Because I was outsourcing my truth, my worth, my knowing.
Of course, I didn’t know all this back then.
I just wallowed in the depression and loneliness and called it a teenage travesty lol.
Little did I know, this would lead me to everything I wanted.
Had I known this, I would have peaced out on my depression and made for my spiritual journey with vigor and ripe openness.
But I didn’t.
I struggled my way through my fears and insecurities, wandering between the points of clarity in my heart, seeking my truth, yearning for my freedom.
I had no idea what was happening, those years of searching for myself.
But I knew just one thing – THERE HAD TO BE MORE.
I couldn’t accept the fact that I was put on this earth with a heart full of desire, dreams, ideas, and energy to feel it all
AND be left to the soul-sucking idea that I’m meant to just live life as it is.
It didn’t make sense.
What does make sense is that all those desires led me to search and seek and finally stumble upon the truth that it was actually NEVER ABOUT THE DESIRES.
It was about the PERSON doing the desiring.
Aka ME.
It was always about me.
Me and me with me about me for me.
It was about me unlearning outdated ways of being (obtaining the THINGS) and learning a new way of being (BEING the being that creates and attracts ANYTHING).
It’s all there ever was.
In my journey, I can see, that’s all it ever was about.
Now it makes sense why I felt so empty dreaming about the THINGS.
Because my soul is coded for evolution, for the BECOMING, not the HAVING.
And it makes sense now, that I actually knew enough to seek my soul and my place in the universe before anything else,
before I ever bought a lotto ticket or hustled for a well-paying job or went on dates or looked for love or searched for a community to belong to.
Because I knew, somewhere in the deep abyss of me, there was/is something that surpasses the having of the things.
I knew THIS was it.
THIS ***WAS*** the THING.
THIS was EVERYTHING.
I never imagined I’d be actually LIVING as the person years down the line, that would have all those things, to the degree that I do now.
But here I am.
A living breathing testimonial of the universe’s unfailing perfection.
5 stars.
Would recommend 10/10.
The soul knows.
If you’ve ever desired and hoped and wished and felt the heaviness of it all, it’s not a matter of making the thing happen.
Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you won’t do anything in the physical world.
It means that what you are ACTUALLY desiring, the TRUE PERFECT REAL RAW GOD-NESS of YOU, is already HERE.
The damn thing has already been done, the being-ness of you.
You just gotta be willing to see it.
Because once you see it, you will want to become it.
Once you become it, you have filled out the universe in the shape of you, and EVERYTHING is 100% available to you.
If you get this in the pit of your being, that crazy deep place within, and you know you are meant for MORE than the having of things, I have limited spots available to work with me 1:1.
We go deep into your truth, your true presence and being-ness.
We uncover, awaken, and breathe into the Real You.
6 weeks, weekly private calls, and unlimited chat access throughout.
Everything you’ve ever desired in life is REAL and it’s FOR YOU.
Comment or email me – grace@gracejy.com
Tell me what you are ready to live into and then, what you are ready to have show up in your life.
I wouldn’t wait.
Big love,
I wanna know what you think