I choose even when nothing seems to come from my choosing

PC: Soul | Long Baychhhh

I sometimes stare at the blank screen in front of me feeling like I have nothing to say.

All the while, believing and actually knowing that there is a universe inside of me.

Knowing that I am a unique voice of the Divine.

Knowing that my gifts are to be shared.

Knowing that my presence is a gift, even in the form of words on a screen.

It’s because I believe this that I can sit here facing a blank canvas – feels more like a wall lol – and wait.

And wait.

And feel frustrated with my fingers poised on the keys,

feel crunched for time,

feel blahhhhhhhhhhh about what to write about,

and still be here.

Still sit my ass in my seat and choose to be available to the flow that is within.

Everything tells me I have nothing to say – the blank screen (which is filling up as I write lol),

the blahhhhhhhness swirling about,

the ‘I wonder what’s going to come out of me next’ thought,

the feeling that I don’t have anything of value to share in this moment.

Everything says, why not just get to work?

Let it go and come back to it.

And I can do that.

But there’s also a dogged part of me, that stubborn obstinate adamant unforgiving relentless side of me that says,

IF THERE IS SOMETHING WITHIN ME THAT IS MEANT TO BE SHARED, WHICH THERE IS, THEN I CHOOSE IT.

I choose the frustration, the silence, the deafening stillness.

I choose the blank canvas.

Even if it stays blank.

I choose this moment to be present.

It’s the part of me that reaches beyond what’s available in my mind, the logic, 

into the unknown, the unspoken, the magic.

Is the part of me that doubts, real?

Yes, that part is here.

I hear her.

I feel her too.

What about the part that feels unworthy?

Yep.

She’s in the room too.

Hovering over my shoulder, her silence is deafening.

The memory of a life lived through her still lingers.

I feel it all.

I feel the desire to share.

I feel the desire to shrink.

I feel the desire to show up.

I feel the desire to disappear.

I feel the desire to be available to Spirit.

I feel the pull to get back to work.

All real.

I acknowledge it.

And… there’s more.

I breathe in what’s present.

I breathe into it.

I breathe deep, into my lungs, my heart, my body, my being.

I breathe into my soul.

I’m not looking for answers.

I’m not looking for guidance.

Or advice.

I’m looking for what’s Real,

what’s True.

I’m looking into the mirror of my soul.

And it reflects to me my own Majesty, my Greatness.

It reflects to me that I am One with All That Is.

It reflects to me my infinite-ness, my eternity, my boundless freedom.

I reach into it, into the depths, the shrouds of Being-ness.

I reach in, knowing that this is enough.

Knowing that this is everything.

Underneath the layer of my conscious mind, the events, the people, the happenings, the everything,

there is Me.

There is the Truth of who I am.

What I am.

What I came here to do.

Which is, to come home to me.

To peel back the layers of everything I once THOUGHT was life, and be immersed in actual LIFE.

I’m the universe in a package called Grace Kim.

I’m God in a human body.

I am that I AM.

And it’s really not about HOW I show up.

Not even about writing.

Not about sharing every day.

Not about the message.

Not about the photo I choose to accompany the words.

Not about who reads these words.

Not about how many people read them.

Not about anyone that reaches out to work with me.

Not about anything.

This is a pure interaction, engagement with my soul,

the choosing of my knowing that my soul is real.

That it is present, always.

That it is for me.

That this is what life is for me – to live into my depths,

to remember why I chose this life.

Writing is just a vehicle.

Such is everything else in life – family, friends, romance, adventures, celebrations, mourning, fun, Everything.

It is to be in it ALL – while riding the flow of our souls.

It is to be in ALL of US – while vibing with the realest part of us.

It is to be ONE with the truest parts of us.

To let it reign and rule our being-ness.

So, even as I sat with nothing to share, in mild annoyance, I sat with this knowing.

That everything I just talked about is motherfucking Real.

Realer than the thoughts that pass by,

the emotions that flowed through,

the situation that I found myself in.

And because I know, I sit.

I wait.

I allow.

I choose.

I choose because I know it’s real and it is oh-so-freaking-available-AT-ALL-TIMES.

I choose and I choose even when nothing seems to come from my choosing.

I choose because I can’t and won’t deny Truth.

I choose because it’s who I am, what I’ve chosen to be.

I choose the essence of who I am, the essence of my God-nature.

And so, even when the tangible world says otherwise, I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Because I know of something realer,

something truer.

Something that is the source of Life itself.

And I will sit my ass down for as long as it takes.

‘Not now’ and ‘maybe not today’ are not options.

It is now.

It is here.

And I lean into the flow.

It is my everything.

I bank myself on it.

I bank my life on it.

And if it’s a sham, so will I be.

Until then, I write.

And here we are.

1000 words later.

A full essay about how I have nothing to say.

I toldja.

My stubbornness + my faith = enough

And actually, faith = stubbornness in belief.

You are reading this because you are yearning to feel the flow that you know you are MEANT TO LIVE IN.

You are reading this because you are destined for your joy and happiness and fulfillment to be consistent and MF REAL.

You are reading this because you are tired of taking your own shit and making it more real than the truth inside.

You are ready for your rising.

I have 2 spots available to work with me 1:1.

For 6 weeks, we go MF deep.

We take no hostages.

This is real.

It’s you with you with Life with the universe with God (whatever higher power that is for you).

Your excuses and reasons for why not, which you are well aware are bullshit, are tired.

Time to let them go.

And let yourself go into the Realm of You, the flow of your soul.

Weekly private calls to dive into your deepest soul truth.

Unlimited chat access to me throughout to integrate and assist in the nuances of your evolution.

I wouldn’t wait.

Love love looooooove,

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I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

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