I Once Thought I Was The Problem L O L

I once thought I was lazy,

unmotivated,

unempowered,

incompetent,

petulant,

too stubborn for my own good,

and various other things to explain why I never did what I was supposed to do,

what the world told me a successful human being would do and be.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do certain things, no matter how much I knew, freaking KNEW, that they were ‘good’ for me.

Things like writing scholarship applications, reading more books, finishing books, professional networking, eating more healthy, blah blah and blah.

I watched my peers ‘move ahead’ and slip into the ‘adulting’ track, graduating from prestigious universities, entering actual careers, moving out of town, doing big things,

while I sat on my ass hating myself for procrastinating, for not doing what I ‘know’ I should be doing, for not being THEM.

I struggled a lot, trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do in life, why I just couldn’t be ‘normal’, how others ‘did it’.

I felt abnormal, in a way.

I felt like I didn’t belong, like I wasn’t getting it.

And that I would end up a huge loser working for the rest of my life at a dead-end job, with mediocre friends, and a self-fulfilling bleak outlook on life.

I tried to implement, inspire, attract change in my life.

I tried to do the things that I thought successful people did, like read nonfiction books, go to networking events, post positive things on social media, be grateful for all the mildly decent things in my life, etc.

And again, I couldn’t bring myself to give a shit.

I basically accepted that I would have nothing to show for my life on planet earth.

Because I wasn’t coded for the greatness I desired, the badassery I so wished I was inspired enough to pursue.

But something happened in my early 20’s that flipped everything upside down, inside out for me.

I had a spiritual experience that relieved me of the bullshit I had held onto for so long, all my life, actually, at that point.

It woke me up to ME.

And it all made sense.

There was nothing outside of me EVER at ANY time that was worth anything.

Not success,

not romance,

not accomplishments,

not security,

not status,

not respect,

not friends,

not memories,

not experiences,

not comfort,

not adventure,

not fame,

not recognition,

not money,

not education,

not religion,

not normalcy ha,

no thing,

nothing.

It made sense to me why I couldn’t give a shit,

and why I didn’t give a shit.

Not truly.

I admit, at times, I acted like I did,

I tried to give a couple of them,

I really did squeeze out a few droplets of give-a-fucks.

They all evaporated fairly quickly.

Nothing mattered.

That spiritual experience woke me up to the actual living LIFE inside of me.

I was finally living life from the inside.

And it was so clear, so fucking clear that there was nothing more real than this.

Everything no longer made sense; I had lost the logical understanding of the meaning of everything around me, the things that I thought I was supposed to care about.

And everything made sense.

I was lazy and unmotivated and uninspired because nothing on the outside could TOUCH me, REACH my insides.

I was at LEAST real enough with myself to never truly deep deep deeeeeeeep down inside buy into the things that didn’t matter to the absolute core of me.

So, of COURSE, I looked like an incompetent piece of shiza.

I didn’t truly believe in the things I was taught to believe.

I just didn’t know it yet.

When I did know it, when that truth hit me like the sweetest meteor, I was free.

I was finally free to be me,

to feel all of me.

I was free to trust my desires,

I was free to run wild with the things that mattered to ME.

I determined my standard of life.

And as I began to choose, to allow, to feel into me, initially quite cautiously, the Life within began to expand.

Things began to blossom in myself, and in my life.

I found meaning and purpose and joy in my day-to-day.

I found meaning and purpose and joy in my job as an after-school tutor, and now, in corporate.

I found meaning and purpose and joy in my relationships, the ones that had felt so empty and off before.

I found meaning and purpose and joy in everything I had.

I found meaning and purpose and joy in my experiences.

I found meaning and purpose and joy in the future.

I knew why I was alive.

I didn’t know at that that time what the hell that meant or what it looked like,

but it didn’t matter.

The one thing that mattered was, I could feel myself.

I could feel all of me.

I knew myself, and I knew God, Spirit, universe, whatever.

I had a new lease on life.

I always wanted to use that phrase, and now I can.

I just did.

I was wide awake and completely present.

Somehow – as if I don’t know how lol – all the laziness,

the sense of incompetence,

the lack of inspiration,

the unmotivatedness,

the stubborn childishness,

the whole shebang,

all of it dissipated.

It’s like they fell away because everything that had stood as barriers to, also disintegrated in the light of my godness, my being-ness.

Waking up, I realized I gave SO many shits,

just not about anything outside of me,

and not for anything not sourced from me.

When I claimed it all and claimed myself as a brilliant child of God with a license to explore myself and the world as my playground,

I had no reason to block myself,

no reason to fool myself into wanting something I didn’t care about.

I was enough.

I am enough.

You are enough.

We will always be enough.

Your destiny is written inside of you, able to be read only by you.

Life happens on YOUR terms, however you call it, whenever you choose, as you are.

You know you’ve given one too many shits about things that aren’t sourced from the core of You.

Whenever you’re ready, it’s time to let go and get in good with the Real You.

It’s time to slice through the bullshit and come home to soul.

When you are ready – which is every day – I invite you to work with me 1:1.

We get you tapped into YOU.

Because YOU are actually not bullshit,

YOU are actually not the things you may have bought into all these years,

YOU are not really the person who’s been living on the surface of life, just getting by.

YOU ARE GOLD.

We go for 6 weeks, weekly private calls, and unlimited chat access to me.

I wouldn’t wait.

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I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

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