God Never Threw Me a Bone

God never threw me a bone.

Every time I asked for a sign, I got none.

Every time I asked for a miracle, I got none.

Every time I reached the end of my freaking rope, I cried out for help.

It freaking sucked.

You ever feel like that?

Like you’ve done everything you could do,

you’ve thought every faith-based positive thought available to you,

you’ve latched onto every bit of truth that you just KNOW has to be true,

you’ve asked and asked and asked for help or just a freaking HINT that you’re not doing this life ALONE.

I have.

I’ve felt alone, deeply alone many parts of my life,

before my spiritual awakening,

and even after, when I knew that I knew that I knew that God, the universe, the higher loving being is REAL and HERE.

And YET and STILL, I felt so forlorn, abandoned, desperate.

I wanted to feel hope, to feel that there was maybe possibly something better than this.

I wanted to feel like I knew what the hell I was doing.

I wanted to know that I was supported, that I wasn’t alone.

And… I got nothing, many times.

I closed my eyes, went deep into meditation, seeking for something true, something real that I could get some relief and strength from.

Nothing.

Not a damn thing.

My ears strained to hear the audible voice of God tell me a secret, a little reassurance.

Nothing.

Sometimes I would cry, because I really didn’t feel like God was real.

I know, I am so dramatic.

But sometimes, that’s how it be’s.

Just freaking too real, so deep, excruciating sometimes, the desire to feel Life, to know Love.

Then, not really knowing what to do next or even how to be, I moved along.

I still had a job to get to, still had food to eat, people to see, things to do, etc etc etc.

At some point, I would flow into other parts of my life listlessly, doing what needed to be done, showing up.

I was too tired to give a shit about whether my prayers were heard, whether a miracle was going to happen.

Too tired to hope and wish for something that was silent.

I let go.

I guess I sort of gave up.

The sign never came.

The miracle never happened.

The things I asked for, they were just that – things I asked for.

And still, a quiet voice, even more quiet than the silence of the God and the universe,

whispered into my being.

Or was it *from* my being?

Probably both.

I can’t remember what the whisper SAID, but I knew what it told me.

I knew that the sign and the miracle and the bone I was begging for had nothing to do with the actuality of God, of the presence of her lovingkindness in my life.

I knew the silence was not the rejection and abandonment I assumed.

I didn’t know what it DID mean, but I knew then what it didn’t mean.

I just knew that belief went deeper than anything I had ever asked for, than anything that could ever be given to me.

Faith, then became more than an interaction with God in my life.

It was more than a transaction.

It was more than even a conversation.

It is the constant knowing that not only is there a God, a higher loving power,

but that this Being is here, absolutely present in my life…

so close, that there is actually no boundary between me and her, her and me.

It is the constant knowing becoming the being-ness of me.

It is the remembering that the depth of my life on this planet is realer than the physical expression of it.

It’s not to negate or downplay the physical experience of life, all the havings and doings in our lives.

It’s simply that, in those moments of feeling like I wasn’t being met in the physical, I was being called to a deeper place of knowing, of being, of faith, of presence.

Truly, I wasn’t being called by an external force.

I was being called by my own true being-ness.

To live from that place meant I was no longer swayed by the things I saw, tasted, emoted, heard, sensed with my physical senses.

To live from that place meant I was living into the truest part of me.

The part of me that did not know conditions, that stood fast in the identity of truth,

the part of me that lived from the unseen, the unspoken, the unknown to anyone else other than the me that was experiencing it, believing it, choosing it in my experience.

That part of me awakened.

It was like I had no other choice.

And I realized why I never got the bone I begged for.

It made sense.

There is no bone.

It’s just me.

It’s always been me.

I carry the whole universe inside of me.

My inner being KNOWS me.

My physical this-lifetime being simply created an opportunity in which to experience, to remember, to know the inner being.

Because that’s what it was always meant to do.

It’s not about getting the thing I think I need for my sanity, for my sense of security, of safety, cared-for-ness.

In fact, it’s EXACTLY IN THE MIDST of the chaos, the deep deep loneliness, the fear of losing myself and drifting from God, that I have – no, I CREATE the opportunity to surrender, even if as a petulant child would.

God never threw me a bone because she knows I’m not dumb.

If a bone had been thrown, I still would not believe in it… because what’s calling me forward is not the safety of having the thing,

but the immaculate knowing of my divinity, my absolute fucking perfection of my being.

And that could never be satisfied with a ‘sign’ or a ‘miracle’.

That is a holy affair, sacred to my heart and soul.

———————

If you’ve been asking God for a bone all the while knowing that there’s something deeper, you are calling in a deeper presence of You and God in life.

I’m speaking to the part of you that is yearning for more, More, MORE…

even though you can’t put a finger on it, it’s there.

You want things to make sense, your relationships, the experiences you’re having and had, the life you want to create…

and all of that understanding begins at home, with you.

Once you understand it, you integrate it, and once you integrate it, you begin to embody it.

And you BECOME the person that doesn’t need a bone because you sit at the head of the motherfucking banquet table.

Just chillin and maxin out with God and the universe and the Holy freaking Spirit.

You know this is how it’s supposed to be – not out there begging for scraps for a mediocre life.

If this is you, I have open spots available to work with me 1:1, to get you dropped into soul and flow, to get you living from the inside, actually LIVING the spiritual teachings and principles that you know align with you

We go for 6 weeks and it’s just you and me.

Weekly private calls and unlimited chat access to me throughout.

You know you, probably better than you think.

Take care of you.

Comment or email me (grace@gracejyk.com) and tell me what’s the thing you want to resolve, transmute, transform in your life the MOST?

I wouldn’t wait.

x,

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I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

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