When processes no longer work,
when sermons no longer speak to you,
when your world crumbles…
it’s the beginning of the rest of it all,
the rest of you.
It seems there is no meditation that soothes you,
no spiritual teaching that holds the key,
no tool to get your shit together.
It’s just you and the rut.
The rut and you.
Staring you in the face.
Leering at you while you deign to melt away into your unworthiness.
Because there’s nothing to save you.
Not one thing to bring you back from what feels like the biggest detour of your freaking life, and quite possibly, the biggest hell, up until now.
And there’s nothing to do but let it all hang out.
Nothing to do but succumb to the darkness that appears to hang over you, over all your visions, over all your hopes, over all your dreams.
Nothing to do but give into your vices.
All is failing.
You are the exception to the rule.
You are forsaken and rejected and abandoned by all that is Good.
Goodbye and good luck, my friend.
^ That is what it often feels like.
At least, that’s what it feels like for me.
I basically just want to die.
I would rather die than continue to live life like this,
on the surface,
barely clinging on.
I deserve better.
I deserve so much better.
I deserve the freaking world.
You do too.
And there, in the fringes between sanity and inner madness, I can’t get myself to give a shit.
No matter what anyone says about what it takes to accomplish X or become Y or have Z.
No matter how badly I want something, I can’t seem to get myself to compromise what I actually feel and know within, to do the things to get to where I think I want and where I think I’m supposed to be.
No matter what.
It’s a certain kind of hell.
It’s all resistance, all pushing, all struggle, all hopelessness.
And so, the next step, for me, has always been,
off the cliff.
It’s the next logical step.
The next logical step isn’t necessarily to push harder.
Not at the precipice of I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, NOT LIKE THIS, NOT EVER.
That’s your soul calling your ass home.
And home as in not an immaculately manicured mansion with a butler and an infinity pool.
Home as in the realest, grungiest, grimiest, truthful, down-to-earth part of you.
All is exposed.
Because, in the end, and since the beginning, you are not the sum of the processes and tools and teachings and principles you’ve accumulated.
In the end, you are you.
You are the untameable uncontainable indescribable expression of God, the universe.
Your DNA is royalty.
You didn’t come here to scrape together a living
You came here to motherfucking unleash the heaven that lives inside you.
You came here to build your empire, whatever that looks like and means to you.
You came here to live your soul.
And THAT can never be prescribed, taught, stitched together with someone else’s thread, no matter how wise, how relatable.
THAT will always be the full-on burgeoning raw energy of ALL OF YOU COMPLETELY UNFETTERED,
ABANDONED TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU,
LASER FOCUSED ONLY ON THE ACTUAL THING THAT MATTERS –
There is no other way to say this.
The only description I can give you about LIVING YOUR SOUL is that you.will.feel.alive.
And it will drive you mad – in a good way.
You will be lit the fuck up in a way you’ve NEVER even imagined was possible.
You will SEE, really SEE.
You will KNOW who you are and where you stand with the universe.
The wisdom that flows through will shock the socks off of you.
The truth will make itself SO FREAKING APPARENT to you, you’ll wonder how you’d ever missed it.
Because really, the truth has always been there.
That’s why it’s the truth.
But we just can’t see the truth when we are not standing in the truth.
When we’ve subscribed to useless channels that attempt to soothe our unrest without ever feeding us, how can we?
We’re still subscribed, opted into the bullshit.
It almost takes the sense of I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE to lead us into surrender,
which leads us to our soul.
It really is that simple.
And yet, it feels like the road to it is so convoluted with all the extraneous stories and curriculum and processes and principles and justifications.
All that really needs to happen is you getting so sick and tired of the bullshit that you ask for the real stuff.
You DEMAND it.
And then, when you still don’t get it, you collapse, refuse to move another inch, and lift a middle finger to everything that is not actually Truth.
It’s usually around this time, which I will call radical bone-deep surrender, that you have opened yourself up to CONNECTION with FLOW, with Spirit, with Source, with the universe.
Because you no longer demand of yourself things that you know, deep inside, don’t matter, never mattered.
It was just a matter of time before you quit the charades.
As it’s always been.
And when you do, it’s the beginning of the rest of it all.