I’ve not been writing consistently and now, looking at this blank canvas, I feel intimidated.
It feels daunting.
Like I’m coming home to an unkempt mess of a house, and it’s because I didn’t do the thing I was meant to do every day.
I feel, in a way, guilty.
And also, not.
Because even when I’m not doing my art, my expression, I’m doing it.
I’m in my process, making my decisions the way I do, feeling what I’m feeling, and being with it all.
But I do feel like I have neglected a part of me, a part of me that wants to breathe and feel and be fucking free.
And I project onto that part, the feeling that I failed myself.
And now that part doesn’t want to come out and play.
I think that’s bullshit.
The part of me that wants to play, WANTS TO PLAY.
All the time.
Give it space and it will play.
It will roam and explore and wander and be in it all.
That part will never die.
It is always true, always real…
It is unconditionally ready to be expressed.
It is not butthurt that I didn’t give it time and ‘honor’ it.
It does not feel that I ‘failed’ it.
It does not feel that I ‘could have done better’.
It feels nothing but unconditional positive regard, for me, for my journey, for my life.
It is the god-ness within,
the part that is uncontainable,
It knows me, and I, when I choose to, know it.
To me, there is nothing else to life, but this.
To know that unconditionality, to feel the freedom of BEING that wants to be known more than anything else in the world.
The truest part of me that goes beyond my physical life, my logical understanding.
The part of me that goes beyond what I’ve done and not done,
whether I’ve honored my gifts or not,
whether I’ve made the best decisions or not,
whether I’ve shown up all the way or not.
It’s the part of me that knows nothing but true-ness and love for all parts of me,
the part that sees all of me and gets me.
especially when, I don’t.
It’s the part of me that is always in the game.
It’s not anything different from that.
It is MY game and I play it MY way.
There is guidance I get in the world about how others do it, but this is mine to play, mine to own.
I do the damn thing and I will always be doing the damn thing.
All I have to do is look inside.
All I have to do is remember.
To bring it all back to where it begins – me.
Only I have the blueprint of what my life is to look like, feel like, go like, grow like.
And even I don’t have the full picture.
I go one step at a time,
flowing with the flow,
creating what comes through in that moment,
and letting it be everything.
I choose me.
I choose my life.
I choose exactly how it wants to flow.
I trust it.
I believe in it.
I know it.
I get it.
I follow it.
I let go of what I know, or what I think I know and I choose into the unknown.
But it’s not REALLY the unknown,
because I know it’s full of good shit.
Because I know it’s where magic happens,
I know it holds truth and power, unbridled and raw.
Into the unknown, I go, because I must.
There’s no reasoning or logical understanding.
It is what it is and I let it be that alone.
What I seek cannot be found here,
found in the light of what has already been revealed to me,
what the senses can sense,
what I have learned from others.
What I seek is hidden specifically for me, meant to be uncovered and delighted in,
what I seek is the soul flow of my song, my breath, my life.
It is for me, just like it is for you.
Your own flow, your own song, your own path.
Designed spontaneously and flawlessly for you and only you in mind.
For you to seek and find,
already flowing in your veins,
already embedded in your cells.
Into the unknown we think we go into when seeking our souls and truth,
we come right back home, into the place that already exists within us, the place that has existed before we ever breathed our first breath.
And when we come home and remember what we are, the unknown suddenly becomes the everything about us we always wanted to know.
We no longer have to seek, we no longer have to wander the world,
because we’ve found the world we’re meant to live, actually lives within us.
It is our destiny to come home,
to not only enter this world,
but to allow it to enter us,
filling our bodies, minds, and hearts out to the edges,
and then overflowing into the manifestation of us in the physical world.
We are unstoppable in our coming home.
We are unstoppable in our own embodiment.
We have been craving this from birth, to fall so sweetly back into the infinite-ness and perfection that we have always been.
It’s just a matter of coming back to the empty canvas,
no matter how far you feel you’ve strayed,
no matter how deeply you’ve failed,
no matter how much you feel you don’t know.
That is, in fact, the best place to start – the place of not knowing.
The canvas will tell you.
Your soul will speak to you through the canvas, through your inclination of what you are meant to create, and you will know, you will always know that an empty canvas is only the beginning of the rest of you.
Big ass love,