Listen to The Niggle in Your Consciousness

I bought two pairs of sweats yesterday.

See picture.

Soul got them washed and dried this morning so I can prance around in them at the office aka home lol.

I was so ecstatic.

Don’t ask me why – I love the little things.

Within the first 2 minutes of wearing them, I was aware of something…

the left leg was wider than the right.

I checked in the mirror and they looked great…

no way to tell that one leg is wider than the other…

……..

…………….

………………………

…………………………………………

but

……………..

I knew.

I could feel it.

My body knew it.

My heart knew it.

My soul knew it, gatdamnit!!!

I looked in the mirror again.

Looks great.

Can’t tell.

But my legs were telling me something different.

They told me:

UNEVEN!!! UNEVEN!!!! EVERYTHING IS UNEVEN!!!

I knew the truth.

I mean, I still know it.

The truth is, someone didn’t measure correctly when making this pair of sweats.

Or the machine or whatever.

I knew that I couldn’t deny what I felt, even though the mirror told me different.

Even though my eyes told me different.

Even though anyone would have told me my new sweats look fine in a non-gaslighting way.

You ever have that experience?

Everything LOOKS fine.

Everything even FEELS fine.

But something is OFF.

Something is just off, by a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a degree.

You check if everything actually is fine and it sure appears so.

But you feel it.

Inside, deep inside somewhere, something says, Nah, this ain’t it.

It’s a teeny tiny niggling feeling.

And only you can feel it.

When you ask others around you, those that you trust about whether things are fine or whatever it purports to be, they say, Yeah, you’re fine.

But you can feel it.

It’s enough to drive someone mad.

I’ve felt like I was going mad.

I’ve wanted to tear out my fucking hair, squeeze something until it pops or breaks, smash the shit out of something.

It’s maddening to experience fine-ness outwardly but know that something is not right within.

You know what that’s called?

Unhappiness.

Pain.

Sadness.

Craziness.

Why would we or you or I live a life that doesn’t actually make sense to us?

Why would we let the mirror or other’s eyes or even just our physical senses tell us what the truth is?

When we know what the fuck is actually going on?

I’ll tell you why.

A couple things, actually.

1 – we don’t believe we are worthy of trusting ourselves, our experience.

2 – we believe that our lives are happening outside of us. We would rather trust what we can sense because we’ve been taught THAT’S trustworthy.

3 – we keep choosing what we’re used to, until we get tired of it. So basically, we’re not tired enough of the bullshit to choose differently.

4 – it’s easier to agree with the external world because then we fit.

5 – if we fit, life feels ‘easier’ and we experience less friction, not just with other people and their experiences, but within OURSELVES. Because then we don’t have to face the truth that we are NOT good with what we are experiencing and then we’d have to MAKE A DECISION.

6 – we don’t want to make ‘hard’ decisions. it’s too hard. save us.

7 – whatever reason we use to shield ourselves from actually living from within us.

The list goes on.

But ultimately, those are the fundamentals.

In the past, I would have gritted my teeth and TRIED TO MAKE THE UNEVEN SWEAT LEGS BE OKAY.

I would have tried to soothe myself into feeling equanimous or neutral or ‘I don’t really care about it anyway’ about a situation when inside, I just knew, I fucking knew I wasn’t where I should be or doing what I needed to do or being who I knew I was.

It’s all a sham.

It’s madness.

The idea that our equilibrium, our north star, our truth exists OUTSIDE of us.

The idea that someone else, or even more preposterous, the collective agreement of what’s ‘NORMAL’ can define how the fuck we live our lives, the decisions we make, the peace we feel, or don’t feel…

We’ve been made to believe that completely trusting our inner experience is an exception, reserved for the artists and crazies and delusional and those detached from reality.

No.

Trusting our inner experience, allowing our emotions to guide us – no, not the impulsive buys or temper tantrums – but the ones deep within that burn and unfurl underneath everything – 

choosing to live a life that is true to us, whether it’s validated externally or not…

whether people get it,

or whether WE even get it…

that is the norm.

That is how we are created to live.

And in fact, it’s BECAUSE we don’t live this way, true to our nature, that we experience strife in relationships, jobs, money, etc etc etc.

It’s precisely why we experience deep resentment as we live our lives feeling things we can’t fully explain,

why we feel trapped, abandoned, perpetually anxious…

We’ve forgotten who we are.

We’ve forgotten where we come from.

We’ve forgotten what we came here to create.

We’ve forgotten who we are.

You’re reading this because you’re remembering…

remembering the truth of You,

truth of the universe,

truth of your soul.

Or you’re beginning to remember,

beginning to question,

beginning to get down and real with what’s actually happening within you,

with who you want to be,

with how you want to live your life,

create what you came here to create.

Life unfolds within you first,

then into the world.

Allow yourself the dignity and grace of your process, of the unraveling of everything you’d been taught about who you are.

Release yourself to the true nature of who you are,

surrendering to the sweet sweet joy of being exactly YOU in this lifetime.

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I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

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