My Turbulent Relationship with (Un)Conditionality

PC: Soul

Ever realize that you are not who you think you are?

Or who you said you were?

I have.

Especially today.

I got mad moted by myself and the universe and the MF truth.

See, I thought I was super unconditional.

Unconditional in the way I am so chill, no matter what.

In the way I know that God is near, no matter what.

In the way I know that all is well, no matter what.

In the way I believe in the Higher things, no matter what.

In the way I believe in my godness, no matter what.

But somewhere along the way, I got a little sneaky with myself.

And I started making that a condition.

How ironic, right?

I became conditional about being unconditional.

Specifically, I associated being unconditional with not having any attachments to outcomes.

Which is true, but then I also went so far as to say, being unconditional means having no INTENDED outcomes.

So then, I capped myself off from desires and results I wanted to see in my life,

the body, the money, the fulfillment of dreams, etc etc etc.

Basically, things I want in the physical world.

I absolutely refused to do anything that I felt I was doing SO that I could achieve, attain, acquire xyz.

I would only do things if I felt they weren’t attached to an outcome.

So, then, I found myself NEVER eating a salad (though I did binge on salads after a juice cleanse) because I felt that was conditional and I was doing it TO get fit/skinny/whatever.

I also found myself not wanting to commit to a workout regimen because it was too ‘trying’, too ‘attached’ to an outcome.

I also found myself not wanting to write consistently, because it felt too attached to putting myself out there and attracting clients.

I also found myself not uploading my meditations and sharing them with the world because it felt too attached to creating passive income.

So many things.

So many things I refused to do because it went against my idea of ‘unconditionality’.

And in that, I created a condition that crippled me, my creativity, my true flow, my true desires.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Things that, in their natural pure form allow us to thrive and are the definition of thriving – I had distorted into a mangled way of thinking and being and doing (or not doing, more like lol).

When I realized all this was going on, inside of me, I felt like the universe had punched me in the face.

In a nice way.

Felt like the rug was swiped from underneath me.

And I was glad to be suspended in nothingness, once again.

Humbled

transparent

honest

true

To come face to face with my bullshit is always a gift.

So then, how was I to live, going forward?

How was I to get along with me, my desires, my daily life?

Well, now that I knew wtf was going on inside of me, I could let go of the ideas that

1) unconditionality is anything to achieve and pursue, 

2) unconditionality means to be free of desires and intended outcomes, and 

3) I could expect anything from not WANTING anything.

I realized being truly free is not NOT desiring things.

Being truly free is to desire and hold that desire lightly, gently, and even humorously.

Being truly free is to allow myself to do, be, have whatever I want, just because.

And that is enough.

It always will be, always has been.

I also realized, that outcomes that I truly desire come from WHO I AM.

Not from what I do.

WHAT I DO also comes from WHO I AM.

Thus, because the WHO I AM, who I’ve always desired to be, is already within me, already alive, then it’s really not about the doing doing doing.

It’s about letting the WHO I already AM through.

Letting me come through into my words, my desires, my creations, my actions, my intentions.

And the rest, follows.

It has to.

Because this is who I am.

Because creating a life birthed from my desires IS the natural way of living.

Because I CAME here to EXPERIENCE everything I came here to create, know, become.

I can’t NOT do it all, because actually, within and without, it is already.all.done.

It’s just me, standing in the way.

Holding a STOP sign, trying to manipulate things one way or another, in a way I can comprehend in a one-dimensional way.

It’s just me, acting a fool about how life actually works,

it’s just me, forgetting who I am,

it’s just me, misinformed.

But only for a short time.

Because again, what is meant to be ALWAYS comes through.

Because again, it is.already.all.done.

Because again, it all flows FROM ME.

I am the center of it all.

Not my ideas of faith or spirituality or manifestation (sometimes that word makes me want to barf).

Just me.

And the truth always speaks.

I don’t need to have it all down, because the truth always speaks.

It speaks loud and clear.

It tells me to stfu and sit down and let my soul do the talking.

So I do.

And it always leads to liberation.

Because remember, the truth sets us free.

That is the nature of truth.

Anyway, as I write this, I couldn’t be more pleased with myself.

This is something I had felt quite stuck in, not knowing wth was wrong with me, for trying to live my life in such a wonky way,

trying to stuff my soul into a weird shaped box because my mind thought it made sense.

And now, I feel free.

I feel fine.

I feel good.

I feel grateful.

I don’t know if any of this made sense, but it did to me.

It speaks to the nuances of being human and wanting to live an elevated life, a – shall I say – unconditional spiritual life.

We all go through some shape or form of it, in our own way, the way we designed our lives to play out, so we can learn it in our way, in our language.

If you are seeking a deeper way of living life as YOU, I invite you to work with me 1:1.

Before anything else, before EVERYTHING else, you are a spiritual being, meant to live by spiritual truths.

Your life is designed for you to not only uncover these truths, but to LIVE them.

When you do, true pure freedom is yours.

Join me in a 6-week private program that will rewire you, your understanding of your life, the world, and your place in it.

Weekly private calls and unlimited chat access to me.

And of course, any guided meditations, workbooks, additional trainings are also all yours to keep forever.

Yours, if you choose it.

In unconditional (ha) love,

Posted by

I'm here to be me because I think I'm pretty cool. Walk with me as I explore myself, the world, and everything in between. I also curse a lot.

Leave a Reply