A typical conversation with Soul, my partner, not my actual soul lol is sprinkled generously with:
shut the f up
get the f out of here
etc etc etc.
Basically a bunch of profanity with a sprinkle of actual meaning and content.
To me, I look at this and I feel so much gratitude.
I feel so much freaking appreciation for our dialogues,
for our expressions,
for our freedom.
There was a time when I waited for the day I’d get with my partner (who I thought would be a male) and begin the journey of removing those phrases and words from my vocabulary, at least around him.
I thought it would be perceived as disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate, hurtful,
even though I used and use those words in my day-to-day throughout the day.
I thought the person I’m with wouldn’t appreciate my potty mouth and ways of expression.
I thought people around me would think I’m just crude and obtuse,
not a good partner.
And I did, censor myself when I was dating around back then.
I would let it slip here and there, but never the full blown silverback-ness of my profanity.
I just thought… a good relationship was probably not one in which I was cussing up a storm and directing some of it toward the person.
A good relationship was kind and gentle and sweet, nurturing and nourishing.
I didn’t think to think outside of this box.
Until I came into Soul.
Slowly and surely, I got comfortable.
Like to the point I say ‘f you’ without censoring any part of the word.
And then laugh crazily.
We now exist in a sphere of our own ways of being.
We are crude, rude, loud, ‘inconsiderate’, profane, etc etc etc.
I have never been so fully expressed with someone, even if it’s ‘just’ in terms of profanity.
And I realized, how much I had suppressed myself, thinking I’d be a good partner if I ________________.
If I could be kind and sweet and gentle, at least most of the time,
if I could just not be so loud and obnoxious,
if I could be caring and considerate.
And I realize now, I just don’t give a shit.
It’s not that I don’t give a shit about the person – God KNOWS, I give SO many fucks about this person.
I can’t even count.
But the realization is that, I am me.
Whatever comes through me,
however it comes through me,
is all good.
It is all good.
That what feels good to me, feels good.
For so long, I thought I was trying to fit a role, fill it out with my intentions to be a certain way, my attempts to be ‘better’, etc etc etc.
And I thought a relationship was a thing in which I would be required to be considerate about the other person’s feelings.
A thing in which I presented *something*, brought something to the table.
A thing in which I gave up a part of me, what feels natural to me, for the having of the thing.
Here I am, in a mind blowing partnership with one of the most fascinating magnificent creatures alive,
being fully me,
saying EVERYthing I want to say,
EXACTLY the way I want to.
I never thought that was possible.
People might judge and say some shit.
But you know what I realized matters more than that?
More than ANYthing?
I know what’s true to me.
And whatever is true to me is just that: true to me.
It’s nunya bihness what it looks like, what it feels like to YOU.
And especially, it’s none my bihness what anyone outside of me thinks or feels about it all.
I guess a question would arise around how Soul might feel about my verbal rachet-ness.
You ask them.
You ask them if they feel disrespected, so disrespected that they stay with me,
that they choose me day after day after day,
that they know me and want to know more and more and more.
You ask them if they want to shunt any part of me, so much so that they can’t see me, see my soul, experience my freedom, know my grace, my heart, my love.
Because shutting down one aspect of a person is the same as shutting down the whole.
Even more absolutely.
Bottom line, follow your heart.
Be with your you-ness.
See what is within.
Love it all.
It’s so worthy of love, so worthy of expression.
And let is through.
It doesn’t matter what it looks like.
If it’s true to you, it’s motherfucking true to you.
Can’t NO one say anything about that.
And those that do, will probably teach you about trusting yourself.
Those that truly are secure in who they are, don’t need you to be a certain way.
They actually don’t WANT you to be another way.
Those that love themselves, love you for you.
Your job is to love you, be you, own you, do you.
Everything else falls into place,
reflecting the magic you are.