Sometimes the hardest side to get on is my side.
Ever feel like that?
Like nothing I start seems to get finished
or the things I want never seem to come to me
or I never seem to do enough
or or or or
etc etc etc.
You know what I mean?
I get like that sometimes when I’m considering a new course or program I want to enroll in.
Or working with someone 1:1.
Sometimes I feel so shitty about myself, that I don’t follow through with my intentions,
see myself through to the end,
do the things, create the things, be the things that I set out to do/create/be when I first jumped at the opportunity.
I’ve walked away from so many things,
left things unfinished,
Over the years, I cultivated a level of distrust with myself, my desires, intentions, etc.
I chastised myself for not finishing,
for not getting the results,
for not “putting in the work”.
I recently came across someone I wanted to work with.
I wanted to join her program…
but I felt this… niggle at the back of my head.
This gnawing nag…
what’s the point?
Is this another one of your shiny new objects?
Pick it up for its novelty and drop it for something else when you lose interest?
Why commit to something when your track record says you probably won’t finish?
You’ve left a trail of programs, coaches, etc., spent all the moneys, invested the time – and for what?
Why even start?
Why even try?
Don’t kid yourself.
You know what I mean?
I mean the voice is pretty convincing, y’know?
There’s truth in what it’s saying,
I have started things that remain unfinished today.
But you know what, also?
I had a moment of clarity last week where I realized, who gives an F whether I finished those programs and fulfilled my intentions and blah blah blah?????
In that moment, I couldn’t beLIEVE the shit I was buying into about myself,
knocking myself down for my never-ceasing curiosity, interest, desires,
dismissing myself for not being serious enough, not committed enough, not motivated enough,
dismantling my ideas before they even got to poke their heads out into the crisp air of existence.
I took inventory of where I was, what I was feeling, what I wanted, what my past looks like, and made a decision,
to trust myself all the way.
to back myself all the way.
to do and try all the things I want.
to endlessly believe in my desires.
to not finish something again and STILL go for the next thing.
At this point, I felt and saw how atrocious I had been to myself,
ungiving, unforgiving, suppressive, controling, manipulative, mean, sarcastic.
It felt like such a moment of release.
The idea of choosing me and my interests, my curiosity, my desires again and again and again,
whether I don’t finish something again and again and again and again,
was a completely new world.
The idea of giving and giving and giving and giving to myself… blows my mind.
It feels like so much space.
So much generosity.
So much acknowledgement of who I am, my inherent value, my inherent wealth of my existence and being.
And so much power.
Because in that moment, I decided my standard about how things were going to go down for me.
In that moment, I decided I was enough to keep trusting,
keep giving to,
keep investing in,
keep following what I want.
I decided my track record meant shit (and to be very honest, I have gotten quite a lot done with and without the programs lol)
about where I wanted to go.
I decided that I was too precious, my heart too important to not go all in on every little and big thing I desired.
I would make it work.
And it always worked ou in the end, didn’t it?
Even with all my doubts and fears and judgments about how I do life, how I need to do better, how I blah blah blahhhh,
I have come this way.
I live an incredible life.
Full of love, full of joy, full of peace, full of abundance, full of happiness.
Grace, why you trippin’????
Spend the money.
Enroll in the program.
Sign up for the 1:1.
Try all the things.
Do it all.
Leave some unfinished if you desire.
In the end, I trust you.
I trust you desires.
I trust that you, me, we are part of something really beautiful, really grand, really big,
and that is really the whole thing of it, isn’t it?
That we are living this life, moment by moment, desiring, choosing endlessly.
There’s no limit,
no final destination.
It’s just the choosing into what’s present.
Let bygones be bygones.
The future is now.
Being perfected and constantly being perfected in the furnace of our hearts,
bringing down the heavens into the lives that flow from within us.
The future is carried with you, me, us.
Carried in the whispering desires of our depths.
It was never about all these things I had made it about.
Never about the programs, never about the financial and time investments, never about what I’m getting out of things, never about what I’m putting into things…
It’s just me with me with God with Flow with Spirit with Source with me with Love with All That Is.
It’s just me, creating the experience of Life I want.
How can I not be on my side about that?
I can’t not.
You know what I mean?