Lately, I’ve been emotional.
Like crying a lot.
There’s nothing specific that I’m crying about again and again.
I’m just crying when I feel things.
And honestly, I am super loving it.
I spent all of my high school through college through young adult years through my 20’s martyring myself –
without knowing it, as it usually goes –
for the image of being ‘strong’.
I thought my disconnect with emotions, with the softness of feeling so deeply it led to tears, was a hallmark of strength and solidness.
Years down the line, I realize, no.
No, no, and so much no.
I believe I am meant to feel.
I am an emotional being.
And whether I deny that or not, the emotions are still there.
I just may bypass the experience of it in the moment, for whatever reason I choose,
but it’s there.
Maybe I’ve been afraid of letting my guard down,
maybe I didn’t feel safe to feel it all,
maybe I didn’t feel my emotions were safe,
maybe I didn’t know what to do with it all.
Maybe maybe maybe.
But it was all there,
fully real and present.
I had a moment a few weeks ago, feeling extremely emotional about work stuff.
Soul, my partner, was present with me at that moment, they were holding me, actually giving me a short massage.
And as I lay there, I felt the slightest emotion rise in the opening of the moment, in my willingness to be right where I was.
I let it come.
I let it rise.
I let it unfold, unfurl before me, within me, around me.
As I felt the sweet sadness wash over me,
I also felt a deeper, more gut-wrenching awareness,
a part of me that was angry, felt dismissed, disowned,
suppressed, abandoned, trashed.
I was in it, the whole moment, no idea, really, what this was about.
The emotion came through, leaving me hacking with coughs and violent heaves of air.
In the darkness within, I heard a voice,
a quiet voice that, without words, brought my attention to the years of stuffing away my emotions,
sweeping away what was real,
denying myself the true-ness of my full experience.
I felt the betrayal, the fury, the sad rage of living in the misbelief of what it meant to be strong, to be whole, to be safe.
I realized, I had done it all, so innocently.
And now, with the awareness of it all so clear in my face, I knew, I would and could choose from this place.
I could choose how I felt about my emotions,
how I be’d with my emotions,
how I honored my full whole experience,
how I presenced myself to all of me, to all of Life.
And I knew, there was really nothing sweeter than the experience of All That Is,
* whatever * it is,
* however * it looks like,
* whenever * it happens.
Truly nothing sweeter than the full being-ness of me within me for me.
And so, I cry a lot lol.
I feel it when I watch a movie (never used to cry during movies).
I feel it when I watch a Facebook video about animals being raised back to health.
I feel it when I’m listening to someone share a deep story.
I feel it when I’m by myself and being in the fullness of the moment.
I feel it when I’m driving, listening to a song that moves my heart.
I feel it all.
And I fucking love it.
It’s the stuff of life, I tell you.
So, I just wanted to update you on how I’ve been crying much more and it’s been great.