the day my wardrobe exploded

for a very long time, since some time in high school, which is about when i was… 14 years old,

i decided that i would only wear skinny jeans.

i resigned myself to this decision when i came to terms with the fact that i would never fit a relaxed pair of jeans properly aka the way i thought they were supposed to fit.

i always admired the girls that did, thinking that it was their ‘normal’ proportions that allowed them to.

i lived with a body dysmorphia, specifically about my thighs.

i felt like they were too thick compared to my waist and hips.

jeans were so hard to shop for – 

if they fit perfectly at the thighs, then you can be damn freaking sure a huge ass waist band gap existed

or

if they fit my waist and hips, then they probably just barely got over my thighs with the grace of god.

for a high schooler, this felt like devastation.

i felt like i could never look the way i wanted in my clothes,

my outfits could never achieve the ‘cool’ or ‘trendy’ vibez all the cool kidz oozed in their effortless styles, yaknow?

i was destined for non-coolness.

and so, i bought and wore only skinny jeans

i did love them, i just had to find the right pair every time to accommodate my body.

that was all i wore.

ever.

and it’s only just now, in my early 30’s that i realized…

i never really loved my style.

i felt like i was trying to dress up as someone else.

what i saw in the mirror always felt like just okay enough to go out in.

my outfits felt like i just put together random basics that couldn’t NOT go together, but just barely looked and felt like > me <.

i even told people i didn’t have style or even a style.

it felt like everything i wore was borrowed from an idea, an ideal of what i thought / heard was sexy or beautiful or stylish.

then, more than 18 years later, i saw a post in Fishbowl (a professional network platform where we talk work, life, etc all anonymously)

and i saw a post shared in the ‘Women in Accounting’ group:

‘where do you get mom jeans?’

i laughed when i saw it because it was a cute earnest question.

but i was curious

i checked the answers

i made a mental note of it for some reason.

and somehow, over the next couple months, i felt myself gravitating toward trying to find that answer for myself –

where can these mom jeans be found?

i temporarily suspended the idea that i could never fit normally into relaxed fit jeans

i even asked my colleague at work, because she was surely of age to wear these “in” jeans and knew where to find them

then one day, i got a wild hair up my ass and i offered to run an errand for Soul.

if you know me, i don’t do that.

like ever.

i like to do my things in my time

but that day was a special day

the errand was to return something to amazon at a nearby Kohl’s.

if you don’t know what Kohl’s is, it’s basically a department store, like Macy’s, that stands alone i.e. not connected to a mall.

so i go run this errand, wait in line to return this item, which i would never have done, like ever, let me remind you

and as i walk to the exit, i catch sight of the juniors’ section dedicated to levi’s,

which is my current favorite brand of skinny jeans

which i also know carries non-skinny jeans

so of course, my interest in piqued

btw, i’m wearing sweats, no bra, no makeup, didn’t shower.

like this is really a rare moment for me.

i usually NEVER leave my apartment without at least showering

like ever

but here i was,

running an errand for someone else

completely jankified

walking fast to the levi’s section like a moth to a flame.

and i start picking out ALL the freaking relaxed fit, mom fit, bootcut fit, whatever fit that i get to finally try on,

about 10 pairs,

and

nothing fits.

like nothing.

my high school decision is suddenly validated, all over again,

in my adulthood.

i’m just meant to wear skinny jeans

for

ev

er.

and there’s no hope.

i didn’t realize it in the moment, but i really felt like i was just going to wear whatever blah outfits for the rest of my life

talk about drama

yeah, talking about it lol

anyway, i put all the jeans back.

and as i pivot to leave, i catch sight of other brands in the juniors’ section.

with one last hopeful thought, i turn to them.

and mind you, i am > very < particular about brands.

i don’t buy super bougie brands, if you can’t already tell by my photos lol, but i do care that i know a brand and whatnot.

these were like brands only found in Kohl’s.

i never once in all my life of having shopped at Kohl’s, which, by the way, i haven’t stepped foot in a decade or more until that day, bought anything, let alone LOOKED at a brand that wasn’t already a nationally known brand.

lol

but again, i suspended my high school belief just for a sec,

because who knew?

at this point, i was willing to try.

so i grabbed another 10 pairs

and made a beeline to the fitting room.

pair after pair, i pulled them on, buttoned and zipped them, turned around, looked at my ass, did a little dance in them to check if they could handle movement

until

i found one.

just one.

it was enough.

it fit my waist, my hips, and my thighs.

they were called ‘high rise curvy mom jeans’.

curvy.

l o l

who the hell would have thought?!?!?

hahahahaha.

anyway.

i bought the pair immediately.

and then i went home and bought those exact same jeans in all the colors (except the very light wash, not super into light jeans).

what’s the point of the story?

great question.

well after i got those jeans, i tried them on with my clothes and dude dude dude dude

things started making so much sense

like literally i saw myself

like really saw myself

saw what i was going for when i bought all my clothes,

all these clothes that never seemed to quite fit with skinny jeans,

they all came together really fucking well with these new  jeans.

and then the shoes

my god.

they looked so good with all my shoes.

i was having a freaking blast throwing on a personal fashion show,

running in and out of my closet,

walking around in the 2 x 5 ft space in front of my mirror,

actually liking what i was seeing.

and then when i started actually going out, i felt… in my agency.

lol for freaking real.

i felt like i knew who da fuq i was lol.

i walked differently,

i felt differently,

more… me.

comfortable,

easy,

free.

i know, this is so dramatic, right?

a pair of jeans (and more on the way lol).

but it blew my mind that i had spent so much time…

borrowing a look that i never understood or truly wanted…

feeling so limp in what i wore,

as if i was trying to gumption a style, my style by acting like i really liked my outfits.

it’s so interesting, in this whole process,

i feel like i found myself.

i feel like i discovered a part of my human experience i was ready to know now.

and it’s a glorious thing, y’know?

to feel like ME inside and out.

to love what i see in the mirror,

the soul i see in my eyes

and

my body wrapped in garments reflecting me.

i swear, it was a transcendental experience ha.

and i dismissed and forgave myself for the misbeliefs about what it looks like to have style, to look sexy, beautiful, confident.

it doesn’t > look < like anything.

it > is < me,

in all of me,

wearing all of me,

knowing all of me,

becoming all of me.

and so, in a completely new way than the inner evolution and growth i was so used to,

i felt and feel a new type of wholeness and with-me-ness.

and i’m proud.

and happy.

unfortunately i don’t have any photos to share my delightful conquest but you’ll be seeing them.

eventually.

toodles.