partnership revamped

last sunday, Soul and i went to Grand Central Market in DTLA.

it’s truly one of my favorite places to visit in LA.

the food (tacossssss)

the crowd

the variety of food and crowd (think street tacos, boba, mom and pop chinese, american fusion, ramen, juice bar, and so on)

the flea market feeling

the indoor / outdoor situation

it’s a fun place for me.

we were there for a vintage pop up shop/market and to eat and have ourselves a gay ol’ time.

literally lol

on our way out, we decided to get chinese to go (we didn’t end up getting it, and instead picked up chinese at a random hole in the wall on the way home. dude. have you ever tried potato chicken??? didn’t know it was a thing. so good.)

as soon as we reached the top of the stairs, a young dude came up to me and started a conversation.

i immediately looked to Soul in what i thought in that moment was confusion

and back at the dude.

Soul gestured with their eyes and body language to give the guy a moment, hear/receive what he has to say.

he mentioned he had been drinking, which let me know he was probably not a day older than 21.

he looked like he could be in high school lol

anyway, he asked me my name

where i was from

and volunteered his name (Jevian – i’m guessing at the spelling, pronounced like the water, Evian)

the whole time, i smiled at him while looking nervously at Soul

my body was faced away from him, toward the chinese joint.

i looked pointedly at Soul to show that i was with them

and one point, i said, ‘this is my partner’ because i couldn’t tell if he was too drunk to realize or notice

to which, he smiled jovially and continued talking to me.

i could feel myself super enjoying the compliment of very random dude’s interest and attention, and thinking this whole interaction was hilarious (he said he thought i was hot lol)

AND

feeling very very very uncomfortable about this inebriated guy, really a kid, verging on asking for my number

while Soul was right there.

but every time i looked at Soul, they remained open to the interaction, only once mildly inserting their arm between him and me when he came a little too close suddenly.

eventually after hearing him everything at least once, i smiled and laughed and said, thank you, we’re gonna go now.

and Soul and i walked away laughing.

as we waited in line and later on in the day and the day after and today,

i realized,

i had been carrying an interesting belief about partnership all my life.

as much as i was the person who preached independence and ‘i’m my own person bitchesss’

i realized,

when it came to partnership, i believed a part of my definition was colored with the concept of ‘ownership’.

it explained my discomfort with being approached by someone who remotely thought i was attractive while in the presence of someone i’m committed to.

it explained my discomfort in receiving the compliment, even in showing that i was appreciative and even tickled to hear it.

it explained my glances to Soul, desperately not wanting to send the wrong message, not wanting them to think i was welcoming the advance.

it explained why i was relating to the experience as a part of a whole, rather than the whole of who i am.

so interesting, isn’t it?

all these years unfold, revealing that i have treating myself with less respect than i demanded from the world.

and then there’s Soul.

freaking Soul.

standing there,

holding space,

completely neutral and even inviting of the guy to share his thoughts about me,

vocally agreeing with his compliments,

commenting on his astute perception to arrive at his observations lolll.

Soul was completely in their agency, doing them, taking care of me as they knew how, being fully present, protecting me gently,

affording me the complete view of myself,

of what was going on within,

revealing my misbelief,

my sense of incompleteness,

fear,

fear of offending someone i desired,

fear of pushing this person away,

fear that i was not acting appropriately for someone in a relatinoship,

the need to be a certain way for someone else to feel okay.

what a gift to receive.

so many aspects of that interaction,

in that loud space,

a ‘random’ encounter with a drunk persistent kid,

Soul’s presence next to me,

acknowledging my oneness with me in their oneness with themself,

all of it

still resonates.

it’s so fascinating to me – that i was so deadset on bEinG mY oWn pERsoN,

not needing other

not caring how others feel or think

throughout life…

when really, i was living as though i did not stand alone.

make sense, doesn’t it?

fighting for something or even just desiring/wanting it badly

really just shines a light on the fact that there is something to fight for,

that there is a lack sensed, felt somewhere within.

and now that this is brought into the light…

well, you can be sure,

i’ll be way more welcoming of compliments, interesting conversations, change encounters ha.

i can be sure, that i am my own person, and it looks however it wants to look.

i can be sure, i am responsible for exclusively myself at all times.

and from my journal entry yesterday:

i can be sure, i walk the land on my two feet, using my senses and consciousness to live this life.

my decisions stand alone.

i am in partnership with the world, with the universe,

and the universe and the world are in partnership with me.

the air i breathe is in partnership with me,

the ground

my body

my home

my work

EV ER Y THING

period.

so it is.

so it mf is.