i want a drawing tablet.
just thinking about creating and drawing on something electronic, completely free to try different techniques, tools, etc. sounds interesting and fun to me.
getting funky with all kinds of colors,
being able to erase things with a click,
experiment with something completely new with a click,
all of it.
a part of me judges me though lol
a part of me judges the fact that i don’t currently draw regularly,
so what makes me think that i will actually use the tablet?
which is kind of true.
i want a tablet.
the truth is…
if i got one and N E V E R used it,
didn’t even take it out of the box,
didn’t even turn it on,
didn’t even hold it in my hands,
it would N E V E R,
COULD never be a waste.
E V E R.
that is a truth of life, folks.
ev er y experience adds to me,
adds to my life,
to my experience of life,
even the experience of desiring something,
getting that something for the purpose of XYZ,
and never never using the something and never ‘achieving’ XYZ.
because every experience changes me,
i change with every experience, even if the outcome looks like i’m not doing/being/saying anything different.
the person i am before having the tablet
the person i am after having the tablet,
WITHOUT having done anything with the tablet,
are worlds apart.
they are different. period.
they know differently
they do differently
they think differently
they feel differently
that difference is Life.
it’s the flow, the evolution, the transformation of Me,
in the center of life,
guided and directed by my desires
my willingness and openness to believe in them,
REGARDLESS of the outcome.
every decision, every desire creates a difference, a change.
it doesn’t matter what it LOOKS on to others,
to the world,
even to me,
perhaps ESPECIALLY to me,
because in the end, this is my life and only person lives this life.
it doesn’t matter > especially < to me, because i am the only hindrance to my desired path,
and considering, reconsidering, re-reconsidering how it > looks < has been the bane of my evolution.
but here’s the AMAZING thing
even my hindrances, my perceived blocks, obstacles, reasons-why-i-can’t, procrastination, limitations, fears, anxieties, misbeliefs,
are part of my evolution.
absolutely a part of me and my journey.
the point has never been to get somewhere
the point has always been to become all of me,
the point has always been to experience all of me,
to sink into the depths of my depths,
to delve into the inner workings of my all-ness,
to luxuriate in the presence of me,
even when and ESPECIALLY when the presence of me feels weak, useless, low, unproductive, fearful, stuck (!!), arrogant, angry, frustrated and so on and on and on.
i’ve known and continue to re-know that this is the flow of life.
presencing myself to me, to my desires, to my resistance, to my creations, etc etc etc.
it never ends.
and so the whole point is,
i’m getting a tablet.
if you have any recommendations or know someone who has any, please holler.
i would appreciate it to the moon and back.