hbd Queen

it was my birthday on monday

today is wednesday

i chose to spend my birthday weekend in Monterey, at a music festival with my favorite people

i had an absolute blast

going into the weekend, i thought, man, it’s so nice to use my birthday as an excuse to do something fun

because that’s how i saw birthdays and whatnot

an excuse – a great one, at that – to get together with some fine ass people in my life and do all the things and eat all the foodz

but i realized, throughout the weekend,

it was actually nice to celebrate me lol

i was reminded and i reminded myself that we really were gathered, spent all the money, invested all the time for Me,

to acknowledge me

to honor me

to meet my desires

to appreciate me

etc etc etc

i leaned into it, every moment, and i noticed how lovely it felt

i noticed how free it felt to decide what to do next based on my exact whim in the moment

i gave myself permission to choose without consideration,

without second thought,

without logic,

without making sense,

without anything but a pure desire and want,

which had all the space in the world to shift and evolve, even from one second to the next.

and then i realized… my god.

this is how i want to live the other 364 days of my life.

i want to be THIS clear about what i want,

i want to KNOW with unwavering clarity the desires within,

from the tiniest speck to the grandest dream.

and THEN, i want to express it,

to voice it,

to put a body on the desire and send it out into the world,

to love me and love everything i produce within enough to honor it by being willing to see it and share it,

regardless of whether it pans out or not.

i want to remember that desires are worthy in themselves,

that they are things to explore,

to hold,

to play with,

evolve with,

share,

create from,

etc etc etc

i want to remember that i’m here to play,

to throw spaghetti on the wall,

not just to see what sticks, 

but for the fun of throwing spaghetti at a wall.

and while i’m at that,

making a mess in the kitchen and creating something edible, if i so choose.

i think i dramaticized – did i spell that correctly lol – the whole thing that is Life.

i made it something that needed to be done,

and my desires could get in the way of the completion, the fruition, the manifestation of all my dreams…

HA

that is the biggest joke of the day.

that my desires could get in the way of ANYTHING

that my desires are separate from Life, from the Life i see within myself to create, from the joy of being exactly me, doing exactly what i want to do.

oh, the illusion, the misconception, the misperception, the misbelief

to be with,

to hold,

to embrace,

love,

respect,

give voice to my desires,

is my lesson in freedom, in my current human experience.

i must say, i think i did a really good job this past weekend 🙂

it was actually really rough and confusing and not fun in the beginning, when i faced the question: So what do you want to do now?

i felt flooded with worry and concern and logistics of what’s the best way to do this thing?

until i finally let go… into the space around, into me, and decided,

it’s my motherfucking birthday.

logistics can go take care of itself

i will be here to do what i came to do: get lost in the music

and get lost in the music with my favorite people

so i did.

and now i carry that lesson into the following days,

i want to carry it close to me,

to remember

remember 

remember

remember…

it is all good

i am all good

and all is mf well.

happy birthday to me,

every day.