insecure

yesterday i had a day

it was an okay day

i think it started pretty good

and then somewhere along the way, i started feeling bad

like insecure

and annoyed

and frustrated

blech.

you know those kind of days?

i felt like i was not good enough,

like i was trying to meet, become, be a standard outside of me.

seemed like nothing i did was right,

or rather,

that everything that everyone else did was right and good.

and so, that made me wrong, inherently, automatically, undeniably.

there’s not even space to realize it, it’s like this is my baseline,

this sense of not being enough.

like i live consistently and constantly from the bottom of the pit,

an endless experience of not-good-enough-ness.

anyone else feel this way?

no?

just me?

lol

it’s interesting too, because i do live my days like i’m the shit

i feel it,

i know it,

how amazing and true i am.

it’s frequently reflected to me by others.

and i still walk the line of knowing that i’m the shit and feeling like a piece of shit.

it’s called balance

hahaha.

just kidding.

anyway, later on yesterday, i realized, i wanted to feel special

i wanted to feel like i stood out,

that i was noticed, seen, known.

but it felt like… i was outsourcing the baseline of what it means to be me,

to live my life.

i.e. i was looking at others to see where i stood, how i compared, how i was performing

and the even more frustrating part is,

that if i were to take away that comparison, that baseline,

i don’t even think i know what the f it is i really want,

what my actual baseline of being-ness is,

what i would do,

what i would want to do.

does that even make sense?

i feel like a little girl sometimes, in that aspect.

which is truly fascinating, because… i also know what it is to be full force and feel absolute comfort and peace in exactly who i am.

and actually, as i’m experiencing that little girl, i am also sitting in the place of that deep quiet knowing.

fascinating.

so really, i’m sitting in that place, and watching myself experience these things, these human things, emotions, i hear they’re called lol

i think there’s really nothing to do but behold the little girl,

to see her,

to let her know she’s seen,

to hold her in kindness and neverending gentleness,

to let her be where she is,

knowing that all is well,

and the truth will always out.

always

the truth being,

she does know what she wants,

she simply has not been in practice in knowing it.

the truth being,

she is already on her way to knowing herself more,

and in that, she is already discovering her true baseline, her true north.

the truth being,

her insecurity is but a side effect of not knowing just yet,

not knowing her desires,

her intentions,

her littlest whims,

her capacity for expanding into herself more and more and more.

i feel like some people might read this and feel pity or sadness – it happened on one of my other posts lol

yeah i find that fascinating

because this is Life for me,

to feel what i feel,

to acknowledge it,

to honor it,

and to witness myself evolve from and through it all.

this is nothing short of a regular day in the life of me.

a continual dance with my heart, my lessons, my wounds, my greatness.

i love it.

so anyway.

today is a new day.

a new day indeed.

how will i move through this day?

gently

graciously

honestly

courageously

and

humbly.

holla.