letting go

i once participated in a year-long feminine leadership program.

it was led by two females coaches.

on one of the monthly 1:1 coaching calls, i shared about a recent experience with my dad

or maybe it was an older memory about my dad, i don’t recall

but basically, the experience i shared was one that had felt challenging to me at the time, hence my sharing it with her

i recounted my reaction to my dad, how i was feeling not great about it, probably very victim-y, buying into illusions of powerlessness, all that

her response, in a playful voice, to my reaction to my dad was: 

‘well… *that’s* not very empowering.’

and that has stuck with me since.

that convo happened sometime in 2017 lol

it has journeyed with me 5+ years

in that moment, during the call, i didn’t think much of it.

then later, like much later on, perhaps months later, i remembered that conversation and thought, that was an interesting response to someone who sought her guidance, presence, leadership, wisdom.

i wish i could say that the memory faded into un-important-ness, but it’s still with me.

or rather, i’m still with it.

what’s my purpose for writing about it?

probably, i’m ready to release it

is there processing to do around it?

probably

because i held that against her, against any coach i perceived to be full of shit.

was i hurt by that particular experience?

not really.

but i used it as ammo to criticize those i considered in authority or power.

i guess it made me feel better to see someone who was out in the world doing their work, sharing their light, etc etc etc fuck up, even in such a subtle way, especially in such a subtle way.

i guess i felt better feeling like she was no better than me lol

oh the irony of it all

i actually unfollowed her

i usually don’t unfollow anyone

but i got tired of being reminded of my judgment

she seemed so fake and it seemed like it took more energy to judge her and feel righteous about myself than to be at peace

i still am not following her, although her ads have found me on facebook lol.

she hasn’t deterred me from working with other coaches, joining programs, etc.

god no lol

that’s all i ever seem to do, find things to learn and people to learn them from.

what’s the whole point of this post?

just airing out my dirty laundry lol

something i’ve been keeping sequestered away in the attic of my mind.

i forgive myself for judging her

i forgive myself for judging myself, for requiring myself to be perfect, flawless, pristine

i forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that i need to be perfect to do good work

i forgive myself for buying into the illusion of separation

as hard as it is to admit it, to believe it, to say it, she and i are one, expressing different emanations of All That Is

and that is mad humbling lol

it is what it is

i let this memory fall where it will

i trust that whatever was to be learned from this has been learned, integrated, and dissolved for the highest good

so it is

holla