equations

the idea of ‘selfish’ as a legitimate adjective for anyone or any action is feeling more and more antiquated.

there truly is nothing in life if not to live in integrity, in accordance with one’s truth, one’s desire, one’s happiness.

i’ve heard someone share in conversation that he and his wife compromise and sacrifice so that they can make things work

or something along those lines.

if choosing oneself crumbles the main pillar that brings the house down…

what kind of house has been built?

i’m not saying he should do anything differently.

being in that relationship is very important to him

as is being in that *kind* of relationship.

he has chosen his path, built his life around it, and it’s honorable and worthy.

but i think sometimes hearing from someone like him that choosing oneself is ‘selfish’ makes my eye twitch.

selfish?

selfish because a relationship is the pinnacle of success and completion in life?

selfish because one does not want to or intend to bend to someone else’s preferences, will, etc?

selfish because one is aware of, honors, loves, trusts one’s desires and that the flow of the universe is kind, generous, benevolent?

selfish because one values living truthfully to themself more than something outside of them?

idk

that sounds pretty sane to me

i do feel like i sound cynical, yknow?

like i have a chip off my shoulder

lol

i do

i mean, i hear it in my voice

the voice i hear in my head as i type this.

lol

so much work to do

it’s never ending

but i realize that, there is a new generation of thinking, being, doing, living

it’s unthinkable, un-wrap-your-mind-around-it-able, and even unacceptable for so many in the previous generations to understand this concept.

i know my parents feel that way about me

and i hear whisps of this in conversations with those older than me.

in my spiritual psychology program, it was filled with older people undoing this conditioning

the conditioning that they are unworthy of their desires,

that in order to be safe,

loved,

accepted,

heard,

etc etc etc,

they needed to not be self.

what a life.

looking back, it’s so absurd.

but also looking back, it makes so much head sense do that.

it makes everything fit.

it makes me fit.

it worked.

until it didn’t.

and then it all went to hell hahaha.

oh god, that’s the best part.

that rock bottom feeling

of absolutely nothing in all of heaven and earth and hell making sense

of falling apart in every way, in all ways.

and there’s not a damn thing to be done about it

i mean, i did try

but actually, i also didn’t.

because i was at rock bottom.

i couldn’t care because i didn’t know how to

i didn’t know how to feel or think or freaking LIVE

lol.

life was a series of seconds and minutes and days strung together pitifully by places and things and people.

and in the falling apart, is the sweet dark sense of losing my mind

which makes sense, because that’s where it all began, no?

in the mind, where things just had to make sense.

where it made sense to follow rules, buy into conditioning, drink the kool aid.

nothing wrong with it.

no seriously, nothing wrong with it.

some people live and die by their conditioning and that’s totally a-ok.

and some would rather die than to live by it.

it’s just preferences, yknow?

and the latter, undergo that terrible horrific fucking magnificent dissolution of mindthoughtsrules’supposedtobes’

and with everything that once was life now floating away as if it never existed, there’s only one thing left.

self

or rather, Self.

the true Me

the true You

the true Us

always available to me, always to you.

only accessible by me, only accessible by you.

to have the courage to touch down into that space has been THE journey for me

to live and bask in what lies within

to believe it

to desire it and know that it is me and it is mine

to lean into it

to lose myself in it

to be okay with being seen as crazy as long as i get to be me, be here…

to express it in the world, by simply choosing to be me

to watch the universe respond to me

…

jesus fuck.

it just…

doesn’t get old.

it can’t.

this, this is the pillar i choose to build my life with.

this is the foundation,

the walls,

the doorways,

the sky around it,

the sun that shines on it,

the everything that is here for me to experience Truth…

everything else falls into place.

my relationship,

my job,

my income,

my family,

my friends,

etc etc etc.

is everything as i would like it to be?

no

but that’s not even part of the equation

how can it be, when the equation i equate life with is in another dimension?

i feel like i’m spewing nonsense at this point

but i also feel like those who get what i’m saying, get it.

that tickles me.

so if you’re vibing with me, holla

and if you’re not, holla to you too mofo